I’m currently a certain dilemma with my closest friend of 6+ years.

Our friendship in high school was on a rocky start. She and my ex best friend once ignored me for 6 months- gave me no reason. When they started talking to me again, I acted like nothing happen. (I came to the conclusion that I could’ve done something wrong but they never talked to me about it.)

When I did call her out on it she stated “she couldn’t remember” (she suffers with memory loss at times due to her depression)

We both suffer from depressions in different ways.

I believe her depression really struck before the pandemic started.

She has a lot of trauma do to a situation where she was sent to facility for illegal immigrants. It crushed her soul. There was a time where she even thought she was going to be left abandoned like an “animal” after COVID hit.

Regardless, I was there for her and her mother in the process. I didn’t want to make her feel alone in any way, so I always made to sure to pay for minutes so I can be on the phone with her. Since overall, she’s my best friend.

Anyways, after she got out- we got a lot closer for a moment. We experienced psychedelics together and felt like we were

each others soul sister.

However, after a couple months, I kept realizing how inconsiderate she can be. She doesn’t work, never finished high school, and can’t drive. I would always pay for our meals and give her rides everywhere. Especially, to meet tinder hook ups.

She once even called me on the day that I was moving across town, to tell me she had court the next day and barely remembered to tell me.

I was stressing but in the end, I drove out of town to pick her up (she lives an hour away from me)

I would let stay at my apartment while I had to work. I would even buy her food and would I come back, it would be a mess. I tend to get aggressive when I’m upset (a fault I’m working on as well) and she’ll snap at me.

My anxiety causes me to feel overwhelm so I would not try to push so much. I know I’m a bitch so-

I was also used to the point where she would ditch me for guys. One time, she kicked me out of her home cause a guy was coming over. She only apologized about it after I called her out on it.

The night where I stopped valuing our friendship was when I celebrating friend Bianca’s birthday. I told my bestfriend it’s okay if she goes with another guy and gave her a ride. ( I didn’t mind at all, cause It wasn’t her special day)

I dropped her off.

The night ended up going horrible for me and Bianca. We got stranded in a rough neighborhood. We were freaking out so I called my best friend to see if her date can pick us up. She answered we were freaking out- she said we were annoying and hung up.

I was angry. My friend Bianca told me that she, my best friend, didn’t value me as a friend at all. But she didn’t understand that I’m complete bitch to my best friend at times. I get easily upset and my anger can make me sound harsh when talking to my best friend. So in a way I felt I wasn’t so innocent. Thank god I managed to get home safe.

That night when she came back and woke me up to ask where her weed was at. I snapped and basically to her fuck off cause I have work in the morning.

I felt bad when I woke up and admittedly apologized. I also told her about that night and how it bothered me and the conversation about last night came up and I told her how it affect Bianca. She sent a messaged and apologized to Bianca. (It was my fault for not being honest at the time

I ended up being honest and she apologized after wards by saying “she needed male validation”

But we’re soul sisters- I’m not some random friend right? You still did it.

Time passes and we go to California. It was suppose to be spontaneous and cheap ,but at my convince I paid for our hotel room since she didn’t have much money. It wasn’t fun driving for 8 hours so I was pretty much stress with the direction while she was just chilling in the passenger side. I fucked up and lashed my stress to her and she called me out that’s when I realize I’m being like my father. I apologized and we ended up having an honest talk later.

I thought we made progress especially when I told her I felt she like didn’t appreciate me at times and felt like she was using me.

Two small incidents happen.

When it was time for her portion of the gas when going home she was short a couple dollars bc she used the last of the money to buy herself spicy chips. I was broke at time and got upset because she made an excuse that we both needed a snack even though I can’t stand anything spicy.

I was mad because it wasn’t about the money but the fact she thought I was going to be okay with her using up the last of the money.

At the point I was using my savings money and got myself some socks and she stated “you can’t make me feel guilty cause you bought socks”

I also got us a hotel room and food. it’s my money. It’s unfair to think that she couldn’t use her money even though she was barely contributing. She only paid $30 in gas in a 8 hour drive....

Granted, she didn’t have much money but I was paying for both of us most of the time.

I calmed down and after a couple hours we were okay. Then I stopped to get us food. I asked her that it’s only fair she threw the trash since I bought us food. She didn’t want to cause sprained her ankle while going to the bathroom and said it hurt.

(This may come off ignorance but she’s barley transitioning so she is not a fragile as a biological woman)

I told her tough luck and to just throw it fast (it was a couple of steps) she gave me attitude and I snapped.

I told her how she awful she made me feel.

She said that I have to take a look at myself but the way I see it.

I always dropped everything for her

I never would ditch for a guy

If she needed a place to crash while she would sneak off with guys I was there.

I would never expect her to pay for anything.

I understand I have anger problems and I keep trying to hold myself accountable but she needs to as well.