Idk wtf is wrong with me

I was in a relationship for 5 years he broke things off with me a month ago and we did our own things. He contacted me today to come over and let’s work things out so I was more than happy to. He has mentally and physically abused me for years but I can’t stay away I just have too much love for him. While I was drunk a few days ago idk why I did it but I showed a mutual friend of ours a message he sent me telling me how I was a bitch and how he would kill me, somehow he found out while we were eating and he called me a “sloppy bitch” In the restaurant and walked out as soon as I got in the car he sped off and cussed me out, pulled my hair, & hit me in my face, & then threw my box of food all over the car and told me he never wanted to see my face again. When I was trying to leave he grabbed the box of food and threw it all inside my car. I’m so hurt but I cannot stay away from him. I texted him begging afterwards how sorry I was and to please work things out. Like wtf is wrong with me he literally pulled my hair out so bad that I have a lump on my head and a bruise by my eye. I was doing fine the whole month without him but now I’m right back to where I started. How do I get out and just let it go, I let him constantly put his hands on me then comfort him when he cries about how sorry he is. When he’s not even sorry he literally hates me he tells me all the time.