My life! What are your thoughts?!

I have been in a relationship for 12 years with my boyfriend. Throughout the first 10 years he abused me physically, emotionally, and verbally.

I can still remember him smashing my head on the windowsill at my parents house, dragging me by my hair from the front door to our bedroom in his parents house, choking me until I turned blue, punched me in the eye, smaking me around, trying to throw me out of a moving car, putting 2 knives up to my throat when I tried leaving him saying "that you are not going anywhere", throwing my things out the window, telling me that "it is so easy to raped you", putting his hand on me in front of his family while his family stands there and laughs, letting his friend barrcate and trap me in their living room (fight or flight situation) so I could not leave, and my boyfriend kicking me so hard with steel toed boots in the leg in the streets and had me limping back to the house (where my leg was bruised and in pain for a few weeks).

His own family stole my dog and brought him to the pound! Did a background check on me and my family! Contantly called my family about me! Started rumors about me not taking showers! Kicked me out twice and told my boyfriend to take a trip with them to the domincan Republic to go and meet other women! His family said that they are going to put cameras up in and around the house to make sure that I was not going to bring any men in the house while they were gone! Like are you serious! His family made it a point that I did not belong there and was not part of their family!

So not only am I dealing with my abusive boyfriend, I am also dealing with his crazy family. The sad thing is, they know nothing about me because they never cared enough to want to know anything about me or made me comfortable enough to even talk to them.

And no matter how many times his mother kept putting her finger in my face or raising her hand to me, I tried to remain respectful. Obviously, I told her to stop doing those things and even told my boyfriend to correct his mother on that because I find that disrespectful.

Everyone seems to have an opinion about my relationship with him and how we should run it. I am tired of defending myself to everyone!

I lost my friends, I had 2 miscarriages, and ever since the first one I have not been able to get pregnant or remain (meaning it has been extremely difficult). Not to mention, the first pregnancy he asked "who's is it?" And with the second pregnancy he asked "if it was his"! I never slept with anyone else while being with him!

He even proposed to me twice, but because his family had an issue with it, he broke it off both times (which I told him how I felt about that and how that hurt me)!

I caught him talking to other girls at the beginning of the relationship. There was a female who contacted me over Facebook 2 years into the relationship and said that "he was trying to have sex with her" and the day she was referring to was his birthday! I remember because he did not want me to go after we had an argument about him having another female in the car.

For the past 2 years he has tried to change in the sense of putting his hands on me. But everytime he raises his hand to me, I still flinch. I still don't feel comfortable  opening up to him whatsoever! He made it extremely hard to trust him in every way!

He allowed his friends and family to be attackful and disrespectful towards me, but everytime I would defend myself it just pissed him off. When he was abusing me, I had to pick my battles because i know if I told his family off, he would beat me!

His family thinks that I am scared of them and that it is ok to disrespect me when and however they want! That is not right! I told my boyfriend that his family and friends thinks that it is ok to act that way towards me because you treat me that way and you don't say anything to them.

So recently, my in-laws were putting up pictures on the family on the "family" wall and they chose to put a picture of my man and his ex on the wall that was taken from their wedding day. Obviously before, during, and after I expressed how I felt and how uncomfortable that was. He said "a real woman won't let it bother them and that I need to grow up"! I told him I do not want to be walking by and seeing it everyday (which in order to get to our room, we have to walk threw that dinning room!

I told my boyfriend that we all live in the house together and that is disrespectful for your family to put that particular picture up on the "family" wall because I am your woman not her and she is no longer family. Still to this day, we are not seeing eye to eye about this situation. He told me to go argue with his family about it because he is not going to tell them what to put on their wall.

"I told him first of all that wall was only for pictures of the family and second of all not once did they asked for any photos of me alone or of us together or of myself, your daughter, and of you together. They did not want our family or relationship photos up there and you don't see a problem with that. It's not the fact that they are just not putting our history up there as they did with all their other kids/grandkids, it's about the respect!"

"Instead of putting your past for the world to see, you should be putting your current family first and put your current partners feelings first!"

It seems that 1min we are good and the next we are not!

There is even a chance I could be pregnant now and I am not sure I should even tell him. More so because if he can't stand up for me now or treat me right, then why would he change just because I am pregnant! I do not want him to feel trapped nor myself as far as us feeling like we are being forced to stay together. I want him to be with me because he wants to and wants to make it right. I do not want him to be with me just because I am having his child. There is a thing called co-parenting.

I expressed to him already that I am not happy and I want to move on.

This relationship is more like a drug addiction on both myself and him. It's like we are addicted to each other and even though we fight, we can't leave one another. I am not sure if this makes any sense to you guys at all!

Now I do love and care for him, but to be completely honest I am not sure if I am still in love with him anymore. And I don't know if he ever truly cared about me in the first place because I was never put first in his life, well at least that is how I feel!

I do want to make this very clear to everyone, I am not telling you this because I am playing a victim, but this is my story and this is what I lived the past 12 years. I just want to get it out there and maybe have everyone's thought about this whole crazy mess!