Re-building a RELATIONSHIP w/ my kids...

So I need advice,I had my 1st daughter wen I was 16 & 4 after that,I had really bad chronic back pain so I got prescribed pain meds,b4 I knew it....I was full blown addict which moved 2 heroin,lost my kids,lost my husband than most my family,so 4rm that pain it,my addiction got worse I was using 2 not feel anything,any pain,any guilt...my rights got severed & my mother in law at time took them all & adopted,I went into the deepest hole ever,I kept trying 2 go into rehabs,mental clinics etc.. I was told if I got 3months clean I could see or talk with them,but that changed 2 6months 2 never, so I said well if I can't speak or see my kids than I'm just gonna stay in the street living & using untill I die & wud say well atleast I will die using something I now love,so along this journey I got in trouble 4 selling drugs 2 a cop,got probation & ran,I tried methadone but was still dope sick so just stopped methadone & kept using drugs,I LITERALLY cud feel death breathing on my neck,I could feel that I was going 2 be dying soon,I ended up 1 day getting hit by a car the reverse,drug my body & hit me again,I read the report & I died & somehow got revived back,I had 2 learn 2 walk,talk,eat all over again,of course I was in intense pain so they prescribed me pain meds,I couldn't even fully walk right still limping I went 2 my dealer's house & used,and started all over again...1 day I'm using in an alley,crying about everything & I talked with GOD & said I don't wanna die like this,I still haven't finished my job,I haven't made amends with my kids & let them know I never stopped loving them,I need ur help,please help me,.....not even 5mins later cops pull up,I get arrested put away 4 almost 5months,got clean,got a job,got my own apartment & still waited 4 the day I cud speak 2 my kids,that day finally came,I was nervous,scared & didn't know what 2 say,I cried,my oldest who is now 14 was crying & didn't want 2 speak 2 me..I just told her that wen she is ready I will be here & I loved her & it was ok 2 be mad with me 4 wat I did,my 2nd oldest & 3rd child talk 2 me will go do stuff with me,my 2 little ones don't know I'm their mother & call her mom, I thanked her 4 doing wat I couldn't do at the moment, so I told them I would never lie 2 them & I am supposed 2 be having a talk with my oldest even though she doesn't know if she wants 2 talk2 me yet having mixed emotions,so how do I do this? My other daughter I was just honest,told her the truth & made some things clear that wasn't ok with me,that was said about me,she listened & seemed 2 be ok,yet my mother in law wants 2 be there also & idk how 2 begin 2 really talk 2 her wen they are around her they have ask permission 2 answer my question or they are not themselves around her,so I don't know how 2 start,because I'm still not allowed 2 be alone with them,so any suggestions??

& any on how or wat 2 do or speak about with my kids wen I've been out there life & now I'm trying 2 figure out topics things 2 do??