Ex-Fiancé

I just need to vent…

I had been in a relationship with this guy for 5 years. We were 2 months away from getting married. I had always said I wanted to save myself for marriage and so did he: well, 2 months before the wedding, we were in the heat of the moment. I said I wanted to stop and discuss everything going on. He was very polite and left the room while I sat and thought about it. (I wanted him to leave the room so I could think without him). I decided yes. But there was one thing he kept saying to me over and over, “we are getting married.” Looking back, I feel like him saying that pressured me. But, I am also an adult who consented. It was right around that time that he worked so hard to get a loan for our dream house and 2 DAYS BEFORE signing paperwork, his grandpa decided he didn’t want to sell it. (We we’re buying his grandpas house). So that crushed him. It crushed me as well but definitely more him because his grandma wanted us to get the house and she recently passed away. So it was right around March he started pulling away from me. He was distant and saying things to me that I didn’t deserve. Then he started talking about this girl, we will call her Megan. She is his bosses daughter and works at the same place. He started talking to her more and trying to convince me that they were just friends. No matter how many times I voiced my concerns, he just kept saying they were just friends. Well, HE DECIDED we should go on a two week break. It devastated me. I didn’t know how to be single. So then after the 2 week break, we met up and talked things through calmly. I said I wanted to break up. I told him I wanted him to tact me if he ever felt like hurting himself or anything like that. He said same for me. (I have had issues in the past with hurting myself). So I thought we were fine with that agreement. Then about a week later, he asks for his stuff back and I asked for mine. So he came over to my house to exchange stuff. He tried SLEEPING WITH ME. I said no. Many times. He eventually left. He never forced me into it but it was quite obvious he wanted to have sex. Fast forward 2-3 weeks later. He text me and wants to chit chat. Through our texting, it comes up that he “hasn’t hung out with any guy friends recently”. So that peaks my curiosity. I ask if he has hung with Megan. He said yes. I asked if they kissed. He avoided the question but then eventually said “yes, it wasn’t a big deal”. But he told me this the same morning he tried to kiss me multiple times and I had to push him away!!!!! AND HE TRIED SLEEPING WITH ME…AGAIN!!!! (He has come over to bring me money. He offered this completely. I hadn’t even thought of it and he said it was for anything wedding related and for my rings insurance that I paid for.) This all happened on a Wednesday. Wednesday night I was so upset. But also so thankful because I had enough self-worth to not let him kiss me or to have sex with him when we were no longer together. I woke up Thursday morning, painted my toenails a color that makes me feel like a powerful woman, put on high waisted leggings and my bra (as I was getting ready for work) and danced around my room. It has been a LONG time since I felt this good in my skin. Then I woke up Friday morning feeling even better. I really think when I was in the relationship I was trying to ignore all the things and signs. But now that I am out of the relationship, I can love myself and I see all the signs that should have pointed me to no. I felt like it all started when the house fell through, but now looking back, I can see this all started slowly deteriorating when we got engaged. He proposed, I said yes, he got cold feet. That’s when all the comments started. He would say things to me that was make me mad or things he shouldn’t say to me. I really I dodged a bullet. I have felt better about myself AND closer to God since the breakup. I honestly feel like I am thriving. I have some guilt about having sex with him before we were married. But I also wonder if all of this would have exploded like this if we hadn’t. He was never into sex. He wanted it the first couple times but then it was always my idea. He kept wanting to try all these different things with sex and I kept saying no because we were new to having se. he said he never really enjoyed sex and kept trying to convince me to let him enter raw. I said no every time and I SO glad I didn’t give in. He said he couldn’t feel anything so that why he wanted to enter raw. Is am still upset by this whole situation but I am also ready for God to bring the next man into my life. Through all of this, I have learned what I deserved and I couldn’t be happier right now. I wanted to share my story in case anyone is going through something similar and so that I could write it all out. It was a good healing process for me to do this. There is light at the end of the tunnel. 💕💕💕