you. (2)

a piece from my notes.

“August 2019, around the start of junior year i gave in. i started to talk to you again. i convinced myself that losing you was worse pain than dealing with the crippling fear of being cheated on again. so i forgave you. we stayed together for a little longer. things returned to how they were. mental and sexual abuse. and come November. you were ignoring my calls 24/7. giving excuses like your head hurt, or you were in the bathroom. no one takes 5 shits a day. i’m sorry. but no. and i know for dam sure you didn’t have any illnesses. November 16th, 2019. i tried to FaceTime you. you dropped it, said you weren’t feeling good. i said okay. i was already starting to get suspicious again. so i gave in. and logged into your instagram. i find that at the exact same time that you had dropped my call, you were on a video call with a girl that i had never heard you talk about. i tried my best to be okay with you having girls as friends. even after what you did to me. but that. just sent me. i got the same sensation i got the first time. i was scared. i don’t even know if you were actually cheating on me. but i had just given up. i was done. as much as i loved you. i called you. said “i cant take it anymore, i want to break up” and hung up before you even got a word in. i logged into your stuff and deleted everything for you. then blocked you in my accounts and deleted everything. there was no turning back. that was it. at least at that time.

December 2019 came and i got in a new relationship. i’m not going to lie. it was an emotional rebound. and it didn’t help. i ended up breaking it off. with him it felt like i was dating my big brother. then christmas eve. that night i had a dream. about a girl in my choir class. i had already had a little infatuation about her (she was and still is beautiful). and the infatuation grew into a MAJOR crush. (you didn’t like hearing about this) i think i’d fallen in love again. to the point where for a temporary amount of time i forgot about you. i tried making moves on her. made her cute notes. left her candies in her binder cubby. texted her 24/7. i even asked her to be my valentine (she said yes). she would sing to me when i was upset. i honestly thought that was it. but eventually for her it faded. her little games became too boring and she admitted to leading me on and said she felt bad but she wasn’t gay. it took me a while to get over that. and i was finally doing good on my own. i had a few little crushes that didn’t last every now and again but it was just crushes. then. January it happened. the night EVERYTHING changed. i was in pain. i lost her. the day after. YOU. you had the fucking NERVE to call me. and ask me. if it was okay to come to the funeral. of course i was gonna say yes. i felt like i had no right to say no since you knew her longer than me. that’s where it picked up. as the days that felt like years went by you stayed by my side and consoled me. you were there for me. i was weak and brittle. just broken into a tiny million little pieces. you were there. i wasn’t in the right mind. i was grieving. and i saw it as a sign. the night after her first service i was so done with the pain. i wanted a release. i got so high i couldn’t walk. and in that moment i had no idea what was going on and confessed my feelings to you. i told you i missed you and wanted to get back together with you. you took that advantage. at my weakest point grieving and high. and said okay. the next few weeks things actually were good. we went slow. you were okay with that. the whole first month i honestly thought it was really good. then i started getting the panic attacks. this caused some bad arguments. i would hyperventilate and cry to no extent and as i was telling you something was wrong with me, and you’d say. “nothing is wrong with you” “you’re normal” “you don’t need help”. but they got worse. and worse... and worse. i had one so bad i was 3 hours late to work. i still went in with it. and i started to have another one, while at work. i went into the bathroom and wrote on a napkin “i quit”, clocked out and left. i mean i hated that job anyway. it would happen eventually. and about 2 weeks later. i stopped myself. and started thinking. the beginning of most of the attacks started from an argument between me and you. and i also noticed that it was getting harder to say i love you. i felt like i was being forced to say it. i think was made everything click was when you told me “if you go to a therapist, they’re going to tell you to break up with me”. as if you were the reason i was thinking of going. you weren’t. that made it click. that sentence is what turned on the common sense switch in my brain. and it all started falling into place. you were starting to act like you were before we broke up the first time. mentally and sexually abusive. (one night i’d like to add to this, i remember we got high as shit in my car. and one thing led to another. although i was leaning against it. it still happened. and you were going. and going.. and going. you were high so i was assuming you just couldn’t hear me. but i remember saying no. because it started to hurt really bad. i said no. FOUR TIMES. and you ignored me. and kept going. i would say that’s rape but i have no proof.)

so after everything clicked. i let myself think on it a few days. to make sure i wasn’t making a good decision. and on April 10th 2021 i ended it. ALL OF IT. and since then i really believe i’ve made the best decision of my life. i have no regrets like before. i feel no sympathy towards you. i’ve blocked you on everything and i am THRIVING. i still get attacks every now and again. but at least they aren’t because of a petty argument with you.

i honestly hope you learned you’ll soon learn your lesson. i feel terribly sorry for the next girl. have a nice life. or don’t.

/“