I’ve got this “giving up,” feeling aching all over my chest and it’s weighing heavy on my heart. We’ve been trying all year, since late November/Early December, and every negative test just breaks my heart piece by piece.

I only take OPKs and chart up until ovulation now to save the heart ache of the what-ifs and “What could that mean?” that swirls around in my head for hours on end until I can get to the safety of Google over the slightest twinge in my stomach. Stopping that has helped a lot, I barely think about the two week wait anymore, but I feel like this is one negative test too many. It’s the first time I’ve truly felt a wave of sadness fill me up and leave my throat raw and aching from the urge to cry it out. As I said, these negative tests must be taking a piece of my heart with them every time they go in the bin, because right now I feel so incredibly sad.

I just have to say it so it’s off my chest. I’m defeated now. I just want to have my baby.