Random thoughts 12 weeks

Running out of options.

Yesterday I was at my lowest point. At the beginning of my pregnancy I contemplated abortion. The father and I are good friends but nothing more and it just didn’t seem like the best time. But I eventually embraced the thought of having a child. Here I am at 12 weeks and I’ve been denied twice for Medicaid because of income. While I have insurance from work it’s not affordable and I desperately want a midwife or the care of an African American. This is my highest desire. I found a place covered under Medicaid, had a few visits and now. My entire plan is messed up. The only midwifery service close to me is like 4K out of pocket total for a home birth but not covered under my insurance. So I’m just out of options here. I cried to the point of puking I mean for hours yesterday. I was semi suicidal. My child’s father came to check on me which uplifted my spirits but it’s still hard figuring out what’s next. Even looked into the marketplace and it’s still like 6700 out of pocket expenses. So I feel like I have no other choice but to get rid of my baby. We had chosen a name and everything and I don’t think I’ll be any less depressed if I get an abortion. I am trying to be more positive today and just look into more options but I feel stuck and frozen. And suicide help lines are a joke to me bc I was on hold for a good amount of time. I don’t have a dr for prenatal so nobody to reach out to to help with this mentally. And it’s not every day I feel this way but probably just hormones. Going on day 3 of a headache. Gotta be stress related. I’m in an unhealthy place but slowly I’ll get out. I love my baby but at this point I can’t even provide the proper care for it now so how will I post pregnancy? Yet I make too much in Mississippi for Medicaid. A joke. Who can live off 2100 a month GROSS??? that’s the cap even with pregnancy. Feeling alone and lost but I woke up feeling more hopeful today. Not sure what direction to take but still not as depressed which is good.