So I know I don’t have a healthy relationship with food or with my body. I know this issue arose from childhood. Growing up my mom always drilled into my head things like “you don’t wanna be fat” “you won’t be pretty if your fat” “don’t eat to much or your get fat” “u shouldn’t eat that”. So as a young kid I was already watching what I eat and how I looked. I remember as a kid if I would ask for seconds my mom would get mad and say “no u ate enough. Remember what we talked about”. I remember this going as far back as of 1st grade. I clearly remember it was my first day back to school after summer break. My mom was dressing me for school and when she tried to put on my pants my pants fit a little tight. And I clearly remember her buttoning up my pants and saying “look your pants barely fit! Your getting fat. You don’t wanna get fat your pants shouldn’t fit like this”. And I remember feeling ashamed in myself. So you can only imagine growing up was like. Crying in the dressing rooms. Counting calories. Feeling insecure. Never feeling comfortable in my own skin.

So now that I’m an adult I try to kick that mind set to the curb but I still find myself going back to this mind set of “I don’t wanna be fat”. I weigh my self on a daily and when I see I gained a pound I freak out. But lately I’ve been getting into weight lifting so I know muscle weighs more than fat so I haven’t weighed my self in months because I know myself. If I see the scale go up even knowing what I know I would go into a hole of wanting to lose weight.

So last night I went out with some friends. I ate and I drank more than the usual. I ate a lot of greasy food and drank a few. So This morning I woke up feeling a HUUUGGEE amount of guilt for what I ate last night. I’m literally in bed crying over what I ate. I just told myself. “Ok go to the gym and hit it hard and then just don’t eat for today and I’ll be fine” like what?!? I literally just caught myself thinking that.

I hate feeling this way because why can’t I just be normal.