It sickens me that there are people who actually think that if a person in a domestic violence situation doesn't leave the first time, they like abuse or are stupid. It shows they don't understand the cycle of abuse and manipulation and power imbalance in these situations. Congrats to the women who leave the first time or the first sign but that doesn't make them better than women who took longer to leave.

Why compare? They are all survivors. And the women/men still stuck? They need support. It's easy to say leave, just leave. But it's not so easy. It takes planning and resources and leaving is the most dangerous time.

Did it take me longer to leave? Yes. Did I go back? Yes. Did I believe he would change? Yes. Did I love him? Yeah. I spent my whole adult life with this person basically. I didn't understand what was happening. The cycle is insidious.

Did I try to get help? Yes. Did help actually help? No.

Do I think why didn't I see the signs? Yes, only there were none. He was the golden boy. Do I think why couldn't I have left sooner or why did I give this person a chance at all? Yes. Do I feel guilty because this is the father of my child? Yes.

It hurts that people can think I wanted domestic violence to happen to me because I took longer to leave. I never imagined that someone I loved so much and thought I would spend the rest of my life with would harm me. I hate that I was in that position at all. This experience makes me understand why people chose to suffer in silence instead. People always have more to say to the victims/survivors instead of the abusers. Not only that but people always think they know what they will do in situations. Until you experience it yourself.

I'm in the process of healing. I am no longer the person I was before. He broke my heart but the judgement Im facing for not making all the perfect right decisions hurts too. So much for support system. People are sick for real. The judgement makes me defensive and very upset. I thought I was supposed to feel free now. But I feel like I must defend all my choices.