Husband woes

I’m really struggling with my marriage. I have been married to my husband almost 9 years and been together almost 10. We have 3 children with another on the way(which was an oops). Things started out good until about a year into the marriage(shortly after falling pregnant with our oldest). I’m a full time nurse and my husband is a guitar player who makes a living solely playing at restaurants/bars/private parties. I’ve never been petty about making more or being the breadwinner. I love him plain and simple. So a year into the marriage, I’m pregnant and get woken up to his car getting repo’ed. No clue he wasn’t paying his car payments or having any financial struggles. We kept separate bank accounts(thank god). So I paid over $1k for him to get back his car but it was the first time I felt distrust and like he was being honest with me. We moved on and things seemed good. I bought a home, we had our son. Things in our relationship seemed ok, maybe a little less loving but I attributed that to sleep deprivation and stress of a newborn. Then about a year after falling pregnant with our oldest, I find out I’m pregnant again and there is a cold was coldness and distance between us. He wasn’t sexual with me at all the whole pregnancy and when I’d try, he couldn’t get it up. Our second came 7 weeks early, our septic field failed. We were stressed beyond belief. Meanwhile, we got through it. We barely had sex over the next two years. We talked about having a third and final child and he didn’t really seem on board at first but then thought about it more and seemed excited. Well a few months after that I got pregnant. When I told him he became freaked out, anxious, withdrawn and seemed to shut down. My pregnancy went by and he slowly started to come around to his usual self. Or so I thought. I had our daughter and things got bad. I found out that not only had he felt majorly depressed for probably months to a year but was dressing in our basement late at night in female clothing and tights. I’d known he’d had a tights fetish but thought it was only seeing females in them. Nope. He liked wearing them and felt better dressing as a woman to be somebody else when he was depressed. I’d found out he was using Instagram to look at transgender/shemale/cross dressers and had been direct messaging random female musicians on Instagram pathetic messages “not trying to sound like a creep”. Needless to say, I brought my knowledge to light and we had many long talks. I told him that I was open to his needs even if that included wearing female clothing occasionally. He told me he was done and threw out everything. I feel like that was his quick fix and that those thoughts/feelings were still there but he closed them off and didn’t want to speak about it again. On top of the issues of dishonesty, I was fed up with his lack of contribution and hygiene. I told him from the get go that I didn’t expect him to pay for everything when financially I made more but did expect him to clean up the house and after himself. He literally had borderline hoarder tendencies which I didn’t know about until a few years ago when I started seeing all of his messes. He would hide empty pop bottles in the cabinet in our garage, trash on the ground in the garage 10 feet from the trash can. His dresser drawers had trash, mail, clothes, old food, junk, pieces of guitar equipment. He literally spilled food on the floor daily and wouldn’t notice conveniently. His personal hygiene had worsened. He has long hair which he’d wash every week plus and looked like he hadn’t brushed good. His mouth smelled(I think he would forget to brush his teeth

Some days). He and I weren’t having sex at all at this point. After I’d confronted him about finding his women clothing, contacting women on Instagram, his treating our home like a garbage can I told him I could not love like this. Literally, I was not get anything out of this relationship, not affection or love, not financial help, not help around the house. He did help with the kids care when I was at work but that was it. I basically told him things needed to change and if he kept lying that I’d leave. I thought this had woke him up, that he’d turned a new leaf. He began to act cleaner, contribute a little towards our mortgage almost every month. We slowly started being more affectionate with each other. Last fall, we even started having sex again. Things seemed like they were going good. We made it through the rest of the pandemic being relatively happy. Then March I found out we’d accidentally conceived. I freaked out and literally didn’t tell him until I was 7.5wks pregnant because I was so scared he’d freak out and fall into deep depression. He definitely needed a few weeks to process and I told him I needed him to be there. So far he has been there mostly. So fast forward to now, I find out

He secretly purchased a $2k guitar and not so much as mentioned anything about it. Tonight I confronted him after his gig because I felt like he was being secretive with me. Especially being as how he hasn’t helped with our mortgage in a 1.5years, owes the irs, owes a hospital bill, is paying for cell, cable/internet, insurance and is only working 2-3 nights a week(instead of 4) and about to lose unemployment. His hygiene is horrendous again(his mouth smells and he hasn’t seen a dentist in 5 years) so I don’t even want to kiss him. He smells almost like that oily smell when you don’t wash. I just don’t know what to do. If I’d known this would be my life I would have ran the other way when I saw him. Things are different and complicated now with 3 children and another on the way. I can’t live with a liar or someone who doesn’t communicate with me. I can’t live with a complete slob. I love him but this is too much. I love his family and don’t really want to be a single mom of 4. Where do I go from here? Thoughts? Am I being dramatic or asking for too much. Is this what the lows of a marriage are like or is this worse? I just feel sad, confused, disappointed and alone. I really just wanted a partner that would be my equal, friend, lover and help make a life together. I feel like he’s another one

of my children most days.

Thank you if you bothered reading this