Pregnant w #2 and all of a sudden I hate being a mom

So im due with baby boy #2 in late September and I have a 4 year old boy who I honestly think might have ADHD but haven't taken him in to be seen. His dad works a lot, and even at work I feel like I can't even call him if I need him, he's so busy all the time.

I loved being a mother before, and don't get me wrong I love my kid, but last year I went through a huge emotional mess, went on suicide watch, im in therapy now and have been for the past 7 months. I am doing a lot better honestly but the one thing I have not been able to get back is my love for mothering.

My son is so hard to deal with most days, everyones always jokingly telling me that he's a lot to handle, my family rarely wants to watch him to give me a break. I can't even go to the store without losing my head, he doesn't listen and it's driving me insane.

I dont want to be a shit parent like my parents were but its so hard to break these generational cycles/curses.

After the suicide watch I got pregnant pretty fast, and then got married soon after (together for 5 years)

So there's a lot that happened, there's a lot of healing and growing but there's a lot of struggle too.

I'm trying to be a mom while repairing myself and healing from past trauma and im pregnant on top of it and it's so hard and I put the blame on myself all the time without realizing that being pregnant could be a factor in my emotions right now.

I have good and bad days, its hard and idk if it's just because I'm pregnant or what it is that's adding all this extra crap but some times I just feel like I can't do this anymore.