I am 25 weeks pregnant and do not want this baby. We tried for 8 months and finally got pregnant (the month I was completely fine not getting pregnant of course.)

My husband was here until about 10 weeks then left for military training. He has been gone since April and won’t return until October. I had to move our 4th floor walk up apartment by myself shortly after. I was in debilitating pain from it. I had to get off meds for bipolar due to pregnancy. So of course that then started the spiral. I was hospitalized the week or two after that due to suicidal thoughts. I have thought of killing myself and my baby off and on ever since. I do have professional help now but it’s not doing much and the meds don’t help much either. I went to see husband graduate from basic training and that was good but I had a flight get messed up. Had to spend thousands in hotels and more flights so I was flat fucking broke. I was getting moved to a salary position during this time so instead of the weekly pay I had two wait 2 weeks. I then went off the deep end and started spending money I didn’t have and spending my husbands money cus I found out he did something that hurt my feelings. Then my fucking house burnt down completely. Nothing left. Then my boss was being a fucking succubus bitch so I ratted to HR and she got fired. Which I simultaneously feel guilty for because she lost her livelihood. But also I am losing out on a lot of opportunities because I am pregnant with work. I honestly don’t want this baby. The only reason I’m continuing to go through with it is because everyone else wants him. I don’t care. I don’t feel a connection. I don’t feel love. He makes me feel weak and emotional and I have pain that I have to just force myself through. I’m fucking tired. I don’t even want to be married anymore. I have also been smoking cigarettes this whole pregnancy. I kept trying to find other women with the same experience and trying to quit but every time you look it up it’s just people shaming you and telling you how fucking awful you are. So I read that and I’m like well fuck it I’m already so fucking bad I might as well smoke my pack. I’m just over it. I’m sad. I feel hopeless. I desperately wish I could be excited for this child but I just see him ruining my fucking life.