Struggling

Im a single mum of 2 beautiful babys a boy 28months and a girl 13months, .

I'm finding life so hard right now and need help or advice please no rude or judgemental comments please.

I'm 33 and a single mummy and have been since last mothers day 2020 when my partner of 10 years left the house in the middle of the night with no money, phone, backy or bike. I woke to find the home empty but all light of as if he had just popped out to the shops but nope, he had left and walked 4.5 miles to end his life but I was none the wiser as he was not found till 2days later.

I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter and my son was 11 months old so was hard to cope with, I lived with my mum and dad on and off thoughtout a whole year,

Fast forward to today I'm struggling with my little boy not listening and doing the opposite to what was asked of which my little girl is copying (I know children copy), he has gone backwards with eating where he used to be a really good clean and tidy eater to now eating with his hands and playing with his food (like his sister, angin I know children copy).

I becoming a mummy I didnt want to be I'm always shouting at them both, telling them off constantly, I'm stressed and emotional and just want to give up I sometimes feel they would be better off with out me as their mummy and happier with someone else.

I love my babies with all my heart I really do, I'm just at my whits end, I know I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself by no wanting them to turn out unrully, naughty, disobedient, and rude with no respect like other children I know, I just don't know what to do or where to go right now.

I'm having to be good cop/bad cop and it hard I get stressed at the slightest thing like them falling over and hurting them self's after warning them they are going get hurt, I feel I'm constantly repeating myself and I mean constantly repeating

• no don't touch that

• no not yours

• please don't jump on the sofa

• come away from there

• you'll get hurt

• please don't hit

• leave it alone, etc....

I also worry about everything big or small and over thing everything

• the could haves

• the what ifs

• the possibles

• the inevitables

• the dos and donts

• what people thing, etc....

I was never like this with all the other children I looked after (my neices and nephews) I do understand that is different when they are your own flesh and blood,

I want to potty train my little boy as he is ready again but I have a very clingy little girl whom get jealous if her big brother is on me and would like him to be potty trained before going to nursery/pre school (of which he's not at yet till the term after his 3rd birthday)

I am on antidepressants which help a little, and I have had grievance counciling, I do have my parents on the other end of the phone for advice and guidance and they live down the road, before anyone asked no they can't look after the babies for the day or over night as my mum works full-time as a SHCA and my dad is disabled and won't look after any of his grand babies till they are at least 5/6 and my 3 sibling have their own family's and not like me when it comes to helping

Maybe I'm just airing off as I can't to anyone else so I do apologise and thanks for reading xxx