I am married to my husband for 7 years now. Together for over 10. We were high school sweethearts. From the beginning of our relationship I’ve always expressed how I wanted a big family. I used to want seven kids when I was younger but I realize that for me now as an adult 3 would be perfect. There have been many conversations through the years about kids and our life together. We now have two boys. Ages 6 and 3. And up until a few months ago we talked about when we would start trying for our third. We both really want a girl and so we would talk about old wives tales about gender swaying and getting healthier together and moving before we would start trying. Then one night… out of the blue he tells me he doesn’t want any more kids. He never wanted kids to begin with. And he definitely didn’t want our second kid. He just wanted to make me happy. So he agreed to it because he knew I wanted it. All this time I thought we were on the same page. And it turns out that we were far from it.

He’s a good dad to our kids. He’s a good husband to me and he’s my best friend. I can’t see my future without him in it. So I told him I’d do anything for him. Including not having anymore children. Even though I still desperately want that one more. It just feels like a hole in my heart that will never get filled. And I don’t talk to him about it. Even though I’m thinking about it every day. It makes me so sad and so angry at him. But I’m not going to make him do anything he doesn’t want to do.

It’s just so hard because no matter what I do or think to help myself feel better about it. I just can’t stop wanting it.