Feeling Dirty After Sex

This issue has been bothering me for a long time and I am on the waiting list for some Psychosexual therapy to help deal with this issue (hopefully). But this issue is a growing one and hard to avoid.

A little backstory, I was sexually abused when I was 15. I felt like to be a good girlfriend I had to do sexual things, even when I didn’t want to. I was compared to pornstars and exposed to very hardcore pornography, which I wasn’t ready for, and was told that I should like it. I felt like I became just a play thing for them to use when they wanted. one day we would argue and they would say horrible things, that they don’t love me anymore and the next they acted as if nothing happened and would be touching me and doing stuff.

It has left me with a lot of mental scars. I am currently almost 21 years old and I am with my partner of 2 years. My issues around sex have been getting worse, just the constant feel that I never truly am in control of my body or feeling guilt or shame for having sex because “I shouldn’t do that.” Things feel even more complicated when my partner suggests to try kinkier things in the bedroom, because yes I want to try it and sometimes I do, but the feelings afterwards are getting unbearable. I feel dirty and gross.

I have started to see even normal sex as dirty and gross. I saw on the internet that apparently a lot of survivors can become “repulsed” by sex as a trauma response. I don’t want to feel this way. I also am aware that I have probably not helped these feelings as automatically as soon as sex is finished I get up and get in the shower to scrub all the “dirt” away. I want to make it clear, none of this is my current partners fault and they do their best to understand. These feelings are my own and caused by my ex.

Most of my friends are out there having sex and sleeping around and living their best uni student lives and I am a little envious. I just want to be able to have sex and not feel this way. I also don’t see anybody else having sex as dirty or gross either, I feel I’m pretty sex positive and I believe that people should do what they want with their bodies as long as it’s consensual and makes them happy. I just don’t feel this way about myself.

I realise there is no easy fix for trauma caused issues but if any of you have felt a similar way and can offer some advice or tips to try and make these feelings subside a little, I would appreciate it very much.