I need this out of my head

I was seeing this guy and I asked nothing from him other than this… every time I would come over I would notice he would have his group of guys around. I was a rape victim at 16 and ever since I have a thing about men that I don’t know/ groups …I didn’t give him details but I told him that it was weird and uncomfortable for me and I don’t understand if you have female company which you should have other male guests around.

He then would also expect me to “chill” with these guys and at first I’d just leave. He would gaslight me and get mad at me for not wanting to be around a group of random boys with practically so social skills and they were practically engorged in ‘hood/ gang’ lifestyle/ culture. I don’t relate and I told him this. He also had this neighbour who was apparently schizophrenic and he would make comments about my body which would freak me out. Every time he was there to hear and he would completely just play it down like I was overreacting.

He would say things like “ if he can be around my son he can be around you” ignoring my concern. He just didn’t get it.

Shortly after a few months I just got used to staying in his room in the day and avoid his friends.

3 months go by and around my birthday and two of his friends contact me through social media trying to “take me out on dates and see if we can get to know each other.” I instantly got really upset and told him and he responded with “what do you expect you’re a pretty girl” he didn’t seem affected at all and that bothered me massively.

PS : I was going through a lot at home the typical mother chooses the guy over her a daughter situation and she would make home extremely uncomfortable for me by making comments about my body/ lifting up my oversized shirts to see if I was wearing underwear in-front of him etc … Both environments made me feel super uncomfortable but atleast the guys friends left at night.

So I try to get over that situation and things were getting better. One day he goes out for some grocery shopping and comes back with a meal that I don’t eat… we didn’t argue but the neighbour came in again and I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself. I just told him to meet me in his room to eat when he’s finished cooking.

I get into his bed and I’m watching something on my tablet. The neighbour follows behind me ( I assumed he was going to use the bathroom)

As I’m already in bed he walks in and I tell him to leave the room . He then asks me “ are you mad at ****** because he doesn’t give you enough sex?” …. I immediately froze as its something that he would have had to be TOLD.

The neighbour then fully erect walks up on me. As I’m in bed he’s basically on top of me. I scream bloody murder and I start to cry before he can even touch me ….he runs out immediately and the guy I was seeing walks in to ask me what happened….

I tell him and his reaction was minimal he then scolds the neighbour like a child and hearing how minor his reaction was I start to pack my things and go . I begged him to kick him out but he insisted the neighbour had to stay because he’s “ a mad man there’s nothing he can do” he then started shouting at me for screaming as loud as I did and told me that I needed to chill out.

I get back home and he kept telling me how bad this all looked and how new his neighbours behaviour was and I hated that I was paranoid from the beginning and it actually happened anyway. But I’m that moment I just wanted to feel protected and listened to …. This situation seemed like a total setup given that it was the 3rd friend of his hitting on me but to a brand new extreme.

I did tell the police and I felt that they didn’t take the situation seriously and told me that because the neighbour was schizophrenic that probably nothing would come from it… not even a week later ( 2days) they close the case and wrote in the report that I didn’t want further action when that was not the case.. I was told very bluntly that nothing would come from it.

Ever since I’ve felt like I don’t have a safe corner in the world. I can’t sleep at night and it’s like I’ve been re- traumatised again. My SA at 16 was me getting dragged by my hands and feet by 2 men after leaving a party while I was passed out and I only came to while the second was on top of me. I was in and out of consciousness and can only remember parts of it. Watching your attacker on top of you while it taking time to regaining your strength to push him off was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced.

This time I have the experience of actually seeing a guy creep up on me and take his pants off… it’s like I have a whole rape in my head and it won’t stop replaying…

My mother makes jokes about how her man would never “set her up to get raped” but mine did, and my dad completely blames me and hasn’t shown an ounce of care or concern. He still says things like “that’s why those men took advantage of you”. My parents were the first to tell me there’s no point of going to the police too .

I feel like dying every day and so hopeless I can barely look at myself without feeling weird about my body. Wondering what it is about me that attracts these things to happen to me and what makes my mother act like she enjoys these things happening to me.

Sorry if I’ve triggered anyone or put a bummer on your day I just feel like I can’t stop relieving this experience and It’s killing me inside keeping it in.