I just became a first time mom,

Let me tell you, I was in the delivering room for over 2 hours PUSHING and PUSHING nothing… I had to get an emergency c section because baby was just not coming out.

Anyway, I feel like I’m not doing things right, I’m stressed most of the time because I’m alone. I live with my husband’s grandparents and the week after giving birth Its time to go home, first night was such a nightmare… my baby from 12am-9am didn’t let me sleep, my husband was asleep through the whole night while me needing to pee/poo, couldn’t because of baby.

Fast forwarding: my husband comes from work around 5-6 most of the times. He comes from work and sits to … and he’s on his phone. He finishes and he goes to shower 1 hour in toilet 1 hour actually showering… BUT on his phone. When he’s done, he doesn’t really offer to help with the baby, he kinda just comes over and “plays & talks to baby” with me he still kisses me and tells me I love you, but he’s just on his phone most of the time he’s with me anyway. We can be driving… and he’s on his phone. I asked him why can’t he just talk to me? Instead and he responded saying “because you get mad at everything.” Yet I get mad because you’re on your phone while driving and having the baby in the back seat???? I clearly have a reason…..

I cry a lot. Because I feel alone. Because he can literally come home from work and go out when he wants to, I don’t really ever say he can’t or can.

I cry alot because I don’t really see my family… since my car doesn’t work, I have to wait for him to come home… but even then like he takes forever to shower and etc so by the time I can go it’ll be late.

Today was our first fight now that baby is here.

Horrible… I said something like “I took my makeup off Bcs you started bitching about being late” so I took my makeup with no hesitation because well we are late, he walks away saying “nobody is bitching bro, youre acting hella weird, etc etc starting cussing at me, and his anger starts getting More and more elevated… he starts saying fuxxxk and fuxkking starts saying he isn’t going anywhere because I always gotta ruin things, and he starts wanting to punch the wall… (he did once) and he leaves the room slams the door, and He comes back for the car keys but while all this is happening i have the baby in my hands. at one point, im blocking the entrance because Im so confused??? How did I get him so mad???? Im crying and blocking the door way and he has his hands on the door handle telling me to move, and how “it’s the same bullshit” at one point he was very accelerated and slightly pushed me back WITH THE BABY so I could move. I’m already crying so when he leaves I asked myself ? “What did I do?”

Blah blah blah, we leave with his family and later on he tells me “I’m sorry you just made me really mad”

And i just feel like distant… because my birthing experience was traumatizing… It hasn’t even been a month since I’ve given birth… I gave birth on the 27 of august.. delivered C SECTION. I’m only 23, first time mom… so imagine… Im not even fully healed.. I just feel lonely, distant, unloved… unappreciated, I feel overwhelmed, I miss my family… I miss my old life…

My life literally changed in a blink of an eye. I got married in July, gave birth on august… yeah. I just feel super lonely, motherhood is hard, but also caring for your husband and the baby at the same time is hard. I went from being independent to depending on a guy for a ride, money, and just waiting on him.

I don’t have anyone to talk to. I tell him this too, but it always leads to an argument… and i don’t tell anybody from my family because at the end of the day he’s a very good guy, he doesn’t cheats, he respects me, he’s very protective over his baby, and he cares for both of us…

I just wish he could show a little more love and comprehension…. But I know that’s not happening.

I just want to cry all the time.