I decided to post because I find it hard to talk to my family and friends about this, I know I should lean on my support system and learn to talk to them but I just don’t know how. I found out I was pregnant almost two weeks ago. I started bleeding 3 days after my positive test and developed cramping, at first it was all over but it quickly moved to my left side and I had back pain along with it.

I had a suspicion pretty early on that it was ectopic but I kept convincing myself to have hope and that it was normal. when I went in for my first ultrasound they couldn’t see anything due to it being so early, so I thought maybe I could still have a successful pregnancy. I went into the hospital last night after I started experiencing severe pain on my left side - they did an ultrasound and found that it was indeed ectopic. I was early on enough that I was just given the shot and they sent me home, with follow ups every three days.

I feel so strongly that this is my fault. When I was 18, I was seeing a man who obviously wasn’t committed to me, but I was to him. I had hoped that he wasn’t seeing other people, but I found out that was not the case when I was in the hospital with severe abdominal pain, he had slept with someone on his trip to Florida and given me chlamydia, which I had no idea about until months later after I had developed PID. The worst part is… I was supposed to be on that Florida trip, not him. We worked together for Marriott and I did “task force” (you travel to other properties to help out when they’re short staffed) but my boss at the time didn’t really get along with me - so instead of sending me, they sent him instead, even though I had asked to take this trip.

They told me I could develop scarring but I recently had a test to check if my tubes were blocked and they said they were not.. I was hoping that was the end of it. But now this is something I obviously have to think about for the rest of my life.

I blame myself in so many ways. I could have a totally different life right now if even one of those circumstances were different. I was a stupid kid and I didn’t use protection because I thought I loved someone who had no intention of being faithful to only me. I knew it too.. but I was just hoping. Now he’s living a happy life without consequence (not that I would want anything different) but I’m the one who’s suffering.

I have a beautiful husband who wants children, and would be an amazing father. And even though it didn’t take any time for us to get pregnant, I’m still unsure what will happen if my tubes are damaged. I feel so guilty, if I had known this earlier maybe I could have allowed him to find someone who can give him this beautiful life without complications and worry. My sadness is overbearing, and I don’t know where to turn. I’m scared and I can’t bear thinking about my future. I don’t even feel as if I’ll be happy when I get a positive pregnancy test again (hopefully I will) but I’ll probably just be scared.