I needed to vent to someone and I’m embarrassed to talk to ANYONE about this so I’m happy I can do this anonymously….

I’m 21 years old and 300lbs. I’ve always been a big girl and nothing against other women because I find every woman beautiful but it’s ME. I don’t feel beautiful about myself. I have PCOS so it makes it harder for me to lose. That’s no excuse though because Everytime I start to “try” and lose I end up failing because that next day I’m back to doing the same old things. Eating lots of carbs and drinking soda. Even tho everyday I think about the thin girl I could be I still can’t motivate myself. Not even thinking about serious complications in future can change my mind. I try on clothes that don’t fit and cry but then turn around and eat eat eat. I want to be happy and enjoy water and exercising. My search history is full of exercise and healthy habits I want to do but I’ve been trying for months now and I always fail. I can barely walk up a hill without running out of breath. I get hot very easily. I can barely do anything because I can’t find anything to motivate me. No one or anything motivates me. I need help but I don’t have anywhere close to enough money to get the physical help I need. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I know this sounds like I’m lazy and that’s probably true but it hurts to see myself like this and even that isn’t Helping.