What to do

I have shoved my boyfriend twice when we had really bad arguments. It happened after he got right in my face like to the point where his nose was touching my forehead/nose yelling at me. It happened on two different occasions but after that I literally used every bone in my body to get myself away from him and him away from me so it doesnt happen. Even when I can’t get away it doesnt happen, because i felt like the worst kind of human being letting myself get that low. I no longer let myself get to that point to the point where i will go somewhere i can shut a door or lay down and just breathe. I don’t get where this behavior came from. I’ve had arguments with family, other boyfriends (never this bad) and been yelled at bad before but I’ve never raised my voice, or put my hands on anyone. Both of those happened with him. Now its been months since the last time i pushed him and though he’ll still randomly start arguments and yelling I refuse to yell or put my hands up even in my own defense.

Yelling and standing over me is his go-to during disagreements. Which both are triggers for me. Same things happened to me during and after being violated when I was younger and I’ve told him that. It’s like it goes in one ear and out the other.

But when I go to him like dude, we need to end this. This behavior isnt normal for me, I’ve never acted or felt this way even at my angriest, and I can’t handle you yelling and standing over me. I shoved you which is physical abuse even though it no longer happens. And i experience verbal/emotional abuse from you still. Its unhealthy, we aren’t going to be able to fix this. His response is “you put your hands on me and I still wanna be with you so” Like its a non-issue, something we just have to “deal” with. But if he starts an argument and I let him know the things he’s saying are abusive (threatening to put me out, belittling me, making me feel inferior to him etc) he goes “you put your hands on me that’s not healthy either” Like? I did put my hands on you, in the past, and also said we should separate because of it. Because no one has or ever does wreck my mental as bad as he does. & As i said before; Sounds like even more reason to end a relationship but then he goes back to the first response of if he can deal with what I’ve done I should deal with what he does.

The difference is I actually feel guilty and remorseful for what I’ve done in the past and work my ass off to never let it get that bad again but he doesn’t. He’ll say he never remembers what he says or will stand over me and say “im just standing here, im not doing anything.” Or he’ll say “if you want me to apologize, I apologize..”

I guess I just needed to rant, I wanted to know if anyone has ever been in a situation that brought them completely out of their character and I want to know how to continue to improve myself. So that i never get that low again. I want to be better by myself, and for all the people who have yet to enter my life. Especially since im making arrangements to leave him.

I’m 18, he’s 23.