Suicide

I found out yesterday that my best friend on 20 something years killed himself. He was bipolar with psychotic tendencies. He struggled with this for over 10 years. On the meds, off the meds. At times he was hard to handle, didn't make sense, and I was always afraid something bad would happen to him. I am really struggling right now. Going from angry to sad and back again. I always thought that when someone committed suicide that they were a selfish coward. How could they do that to their loved ones?...until my friend did it. I am torn between being angry at him, and so devastated because I know how much he struggled with his demons. He was a man of God, no doubt as to where he went. I know he is free and is not suffering, but I am still here, and I have to live without him. I may be selfish, but I don't care. I feel robbed. Robbed of future memories. Robbed of experiences we would've had...there is not a memory I have without him in it. My entire childhood and teen years were spent together: fishing, sledding, riding, hunting, cruising, etc. We were never apart for more than 3 days at a time...and now he is just gone. I still can't believe it. It is surreal. Like, someone wake me up from this nightmare. Did someone out there go through a similar situation and what were your thoughts and how did you cope?