Finally dropped below 200!

Update: I really just needed to vent that morning, and I appreciate you ladies who reached out. I adore my husband, and we are, overall, in a good place. His challenge with communicating his feelings is something we are continuously working on. But I do sometimes get discouraged. We had a great conversation that evening, and worked it all out. Some more good news: this morning I was down to 197.8!! Slow and steady loss. Never had a happier reason for all my clothes becoming too big!

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This morning I weighed 199.2, the first time I’ve been under 200lbs in years. Aside from depression and anxiety, and really complicated multigenerational/multicultural household issues and responsibilities (lots of stress), I also have auto-immune and hormonal issues. It has never been as simple as “eat less, move more” or “calories in vs calories out” for me, as my husband has attempted to suggest over the years. After a recent conversation in which my husband was amazingly thoughtful and sympathetic, and literally told me I proved him wrong, and described to me his amazement at how much I’m having to do to lose weight, and the dedication and discipline I’m exercising…he completely deflated my excitement this morning. Over the last 4 weeks I miscarried at 8 weeks, had a nasty head cold, and started my period only 14 days after the miscarriage. In this time I haven’t been interested in sex and my husband has been irritable. He does have some mental health struggles. I take the “in sickness and health” vow seriously, so I’m trying my best to be supportive as he works through it. But this morning he just gutted me. When I told him my weight, his response was to tell me that he called our healthcare provider this morning to set up an appointment for a vasectomy. I asked him if he thinks it will reduce his sex drive, or if he’s “punishing” me for not being interested in sex when he’s been behaving so poorly toward me, but he didn’t answer.

I just lost all excitement I had for such a labor-intensive accomplishment. I’m overwhelmed now with grief and feelings that pieces of my heart and family are missing and my husband is taking away the option of ever taking the edge off that pain. Obviously if he goes through with it, there’s no way I want more children and responsibilities with the man who would make such an impactful decision without even including me in the decision-making process. But knowing that doesn’t take the pain away.

I earned an incredible milestone, dammit! And my husband is being a 30-year-old child.