Postpartum

It’s been 5 weeks since I had to have my D&C due to having a miscarriage. And it sucks. They said you can experience having postpartum after a miscarriage and I was hoping that I’ll be fine. I spent all night till 4am crying. We were so excited about the baby and everything was great when we went to our doctor. Heart rate was 161 baby was growing and then I had a feeling something was wrong. I had more cramping. They said that you can cramp a little bit because your body is growing but when I got more cramping I knew that i should get checked and there was no heartbeat and I had a miss miscarriage. And I had still carried the baby for 3 weeks because we didn’t know. So then I had to have surgery to remove the baby and it was really hard and it was worse because I had to do it alone due to covid. I had to do everything alone it sucked. I’ve never seen my fiancé emotional like that and I felt so bad because I couldn’t do anything. They say don’t blame yourself it’s nothing you did but you have that small thought in your mind like what if I did do something to cause it. Was it this or that and it eats you up. And what’s worse is like the Universe was mocking me because everywhere I looked was a new born or a pregnant lady, and it still hurts. Idk what to do to get over the pain. My fiancé said we can try again. I wasn’t even trying in the first place it was a happy surprise. All my family was extremely happy and excited because I’m the last one to have a baby like I’m the baby of the family and I was having a baby. I’m so depressed and I start crying for nothing and my fiancé asks what’s wrong but I don’t want to bother him with it because I feel like people are tired of hearing it. He’s really supportive but I don’t like putting my feelings out there. I’m going to release balloons in the month they were supposed to be born. Just so they know they are loved. Sorry that it’s so long I just needed to vent.