Which would you choose?

Question

I'm desperately searching for some sort of determining guidance and think someone here can put things plainly to me. I'm going to be 100% transparent about myself and situation. I already know I'm trash, disgusting, ect. You can't say anything worse to me than I've thought myself. But here it is:
 I 27f grew up very poor and was sexually abused 10-13. Moved in with a family friend 21m when I was 14 who fell in love with me and has tried to look after me. Now 13 years later we have pushed eachother and beat a few odds. Stable careers, own quite a bit considering our back ground, 2 toddlers and no real worries...Except when I start to "lose it" every month or so. I drink, yell, break things, cry a lot, avoid family/close friends, blow money on stupid shit (vehicles, surgeries, ect) talk terrible to him and really feed into attention from other men and/or women. I know I have something going on mentally or emotional that isn't right and I need to get a handle on it. He also has issues that clash with mine. He has abandonment/paranoia and I only make it worse when I go off on these tantrums. Even when we are doing good, I feel as though I'm not allowed to be myself...Even though I'm not even really sure of who I am. I feel wrong.
My last tantrum got me caught up with a business man, twice my age and married. I had never been with a married man before him but didn't feel very sorry for it regardless afterward. I don't think I love him but I can't stop talking to him. We hit it off so well. We stay on the phone 8 hours a day/6 days a week and meet up when I can. He makes me laugh and doesn't judge me over anything...But he also uses money to lure me in and it works of course. "If you leave him I'll build you whatever house, you'd look good in X new car, I have to have someone to leave my stuff to when I die, ect." He has just left his wife of 26 years 2 days ago for me and has no kids...which he has implied is why he was never really happy at home and wants me to get pregnant right away. He feels like a kid is what he's been missing, I make him feel young again, that kinda shit. I do feel bad that I've made a mess of his life bc I'm a hoe..I don't want to get this deep with him and leave him hanging. But I don't want to leave my kids' dad or the life we've worked hard to make either. He will be so bitter and depressed. I'm his everything. I feel obligated to him. But I don't want to stay with him out of guilt or bc I feel sorry for him either. I also don't want to split custody of my kids.
What do I do? I'm a mess and I only make messes. Help me clear this shit up...Do I leave the life I've worked hard to create with a man that I'm not in love with but have a responsibility to for a man that makes me feel happy and will give me a good, easy life? 
I'm obviously going to seek therapy regardless. I'm scared that once I get myself together I will regret one choice or the other.

Accepted Answer

Neither. Work on yourself and find someone else later on. Neither of these men are it and you aren't it either until you work on yourself. Be single, be a mom, the right person will follow with time.

Answer

Girl he’s a pedophile. 14 and 21?? You’ve done some stuff wrong as well but it’s clear you’re gone through a lot of trauma. Get out of that relationship, get to a safe place, and start therapy. Good luck.

Answer

If he cheated with you he'll cheat on you.  
Get yourself into therapy.

Answer

Honestly, I don’t think you should be with either. You obviously don’t love your current man, and if I read correctly, he was 21 when you were 14… he was a predator. The current man is giving you a fantasy, but I almost guarantee you things will not be as beautiful as the picture he’s painting when you get with him for real. He’ll probably be toxic and abusive. I think you should honestly be single right now and focus on your mental health first and foremost. A man should be the least of your worries. I mean that from a non judgmental place. I honestly don’t think either are good options, and don’t think you’re stable enough to be dating anyone new.

Answer

In all honesty you probably have PTSD maybe even CPTSD so brace yourself for years and years of therapy.
A 21 one year old did not love you. He did take advantage of you and he himself was a nonce.
As a 21 year old myself I wouldn't even date a 19 year old. So anything younger makes me feel violently ill. Which is the normal response.
I am sorry you have gone through this. I myself was sexually abused at 15 and am now still dealing with the trauma from that and from my most recent ex who also raped me and pushed me into sex.
It's a difficult journey but hopefully we will get there. Don't feel guilty about your partner or the man with a wife. None of them situations are your fault.
As Adele says "I was just a child, didn't have the chance to learn"
The road of trauma is difficult and I Hope one day you will be able to breathe again <3
You are none of those things you said. You are not disgusting. You are a survivor and you deserve better.

Answer

You need to be single and work on yourself. You been through a lot and this is obviously coming out when you get angry. Older men are not the answer they take advantage. Men in general are not the answer. You need to step back and work through the abuse and stop putting yourself down. The only person who can make you happy is you.

Answer

Neither.
You get help to work on yourself instead.

Answer

Neither and work on your own shit so you can find a true partner down the road when you’re stable and reasonable.

Answer

Leave. Your current partner deserves better than you.

Which would you choose?

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