I want to start this off by saying I am happily married to an amazing man. I am so in love and he helps support me through all my healing. And that's why this makes me feel like a shitty partner. So I hope someone can help me understand.

I broke up with my abusive partner over 3 almost 4 years ago now. And since then he had a choke hold on me still. He broke into 3 different houses that I live in multiple times. He won't make fake Facebook and stalk me and also have other people give him reports about me and what I was doing. Even when we weren't together he would show up at different places I worked and places I would go. He would trick me into thinking he was better or trick me into thinking he was homeless and needed help and his family was abusing him. And I would help him get a hotel room or send him money for food. (I know that was so incredibly dumb of me. I never did it while I was dating my now husband or married I haven't actually been in contact with my abusive ex. But he knew how to get to me.) he use to threaten to end his life and I would get ahold of his family to help him and I even called the cops to do checks on him. He would still verbally assult me and physically if I saw him even after breaking up. There was a lot of SA in the relationship and after. This man convinced me I was the worst person alive and no one would love me because of how crazy and messed up I was. One of his girlfriends after me fell off a cliff and died when they went on a hike once and a bunch of my friend and family blamed me for it because I didn't turn him in when I had the chance. I didn't get him in trouble for the rape and other things he did to me. So I carried that guilt with me for a very very long time. I thought I was the reason she died. But I have come to terms with it and know I couldn't have done anything. It was her time to go. I have been officially no contact with him for 2 years. Even tho he some how still was showing up in those years. When I got with my husband that was the first time I posted on Facebook “in a relationship “ and I had him and his whole family blocked. But not even 5 minutes after posting that his whole family was blowing up my phone. That went on for days. And they were blowing up my husbands phone too.

All this to say, sometimes I miss my ex. I would never get into a relationship with him again. But I miss him, he had his good moments. Sometimes I still feel like that's all I deserve because I am dealing with PTSD and sever anxiety and depression from that relationship. I dealt with alcohol abuse after that break up a few times. (I have always been ashamed of that but I have been clean for over a year now!) my now husband had to deal with that. My drunk nights, my flash backs my super low terrible moments. I feel like the worst partner because I suffer from sever mental illnesses because of that relationship and because other things. And I have undiagnosed things because I can't seem to explain them to my doctors. And they tell me it could be reorganization. I have been hard to deal with. I have my moments, I have made my husband feel terrible because I have been worried he would abuse me. So why do I miss my ex? Why do I sometimes want to reach out? Why am I so stupid? I don't love my ex, I don't want to be with him. I never want to leave my husband. But I sometimes miss my ex. Not all the time.

Has anyone ever dealt with this? Or am I just a shitty wife? Does this mean I should leave my husband because it's unfair that I miss my ex? I love my husband so much. But I am scared I am a shitty partner. I am scared to do wrong to him. I am so confused. I just feel like a piece of shit for being so messed up. And then missing my ex. I had a therapist once that told me I didn't miss my ex but I missed the friend I thought he was. Could that still be true? I miss my abusive family sometimes too, but I would never break my no contact with my abusive family or my ex.

(I am sorry this probably sounds stupid. My grammar and spelling is also super bad, so please don't be too mean about that. )

But if this does make it me a bad partner, please tell me. Please don't be too mean about it. But I would appreciate any and all feedback. It would be really helpful if I wasn't alone in feeling this way. But again I know I could be wrong and a bad person for this

Thank you for taking the time and reading this.