I resent my husband. I could go on for days about everything i can’t stand about him. I need to vent. So i think i will. If you are going to be rude then just skip this post. If you are going to give me honest advice then please help me 🙏🏼

I’m going to start from the beginning. We dated for about two years with a brief period where we broke up for a month or so and ended up getting back together (he basically begged to get back together). Fast forward a year, and we are really happy. He proposes. All is well. Then, he keeps saying maybe this is a mistake, and i said if you say that again then I’m leaving. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t know if they want to be with me. He says it again. I give him the ring back. I move on. I dated a couple men at this point. One of them i really might have married if it wasn’t for this asshole. He read a book on how to manipulate me into getting back together with him. Which i did because I’m a gullible dumbass. I had already bought plant tickets to Africa before we got back together, and so he went ahead and bought some too. THEN, my devout (idk how to spell that) Mormon mother told me it would be good idea to GET MARRIED before went to Africa BECAUSE WE MIGHT HAVE SEX. (Hind sight 20/20 wtf??? I would never tell my kid it’s better to get married than to avoid sex) Anyways…. We are trying to decide when to get married since we were supposed to leave in 4 months. We were broke. Mom wasn’t going to pay for the wedding. Unsure what to do. And Before we could figure out a date to get married, a English teaching program i had been dying to go on told me someone dropped out and nobody on the waiting list wanted to go to Thailand for 3 months on such short notice (but you bet your ass my spontaneous college self was READY!) so i went! During that time i felt like we really were meant to be together and i loved him so we would just get married in the 2 WEEK PERIOD that i would home before Africa. Well big surprise when he pretty much said he wanted too but was scared and i told him i wanted to elope in Bryce Canyon and we ended up at some shitty court house because that’s what HE WANTED. (I hate him.) (and obviously i wasn’t in a mature enough position to get married)

We go to Africa. Fight the whole time. We get home. We fight like there is no tomorrow. I’m a travel fiend and he is a homebody. He likes video games, i like hiking, he thinks he’s clean but i know I’m not but nobody cleans ever. You get the idea. I went from thinking he loved doing what i loved to him hating everything i enjoy. We fought so bad one time he tried to drag me out by my feet. (I understand this is physical abuse and idk why i stayed but here i am.)

Moving on.

Then he started using medical marijuana and things calmed down. But we still don’t see eye to eye. Then i accidentally get pregnant. (On birth control) Perfect. Then i go through a faith transition and realize what a shit show the Mormon church is. Also great.

Now two kids later. He is still yelling at me, braking my things, and losing his shit over the dish scrubber.

Before we bought the house we are in today, we decided it was our starter home and wanted to move in about five years. And here we are in our fifth year and I’m looking at houses and he is acting like I’m some manipulating bitch who put words in his mouth for saying i want to move and find a more permanent home to raise our kids??? Every time i show him a house there is something wrong with it and he doesn’t like it. He also got to pick the last car and now wants to sell it to get a different car. Mind you i drive the kids around and we agreed that i would get to pick the next car. He has yelled at me for cleaning the house wrong and i am nervous to talk to him about anything. He has more fun conversations with his stupid friend while playing video games than he does with me.

I don’t want to be the girl who got divorced with two kids (who he is surprisingly good with and are an absolute light in my life). But i do want to find someone who loves me and i love them and we want the same things and treats me well. I know i said all this crappy stuff but if there wasn’t any good i wouldn’t be here and leaving is WAY easier said than done. If you have left, what reason did you leave for? And how did you do it? Where did you go? How did you support yourself? If you stayed together through the crap, how did you get through it? I can’t even look at this man without wanting to shove him down the stairs and hoping he brakes his neck. Or preferably fell on his own and i would get the insurance check. Yes im terrible but im in a dark place in our relationship. (Surprisingly well in other areas of life tho) He said he would take anger management but has he done anything to do so??? No.

Looking back i wish i could have done so much differently but it’s a little late for that. I’m more mature now (from the start at least) and need to know how to deal with the situation i have put myself in.

Just help me. I am feeling vulnerable by saying some things i did wrong too and i already know that they are wrong, so you don’t need to come shit on me too 😊