I have suffered with depression and anxiety for longer than I can remember, mostly constant anxiety and then a depression phase every once in a few years so I'm sure some of my feelings are these things.

We had a baby in November, she was unplanned but we were thrilled. My husband was never keen on having a baby at first but over the years he said he would like a family and was super excited when I was pregnant and when she was born. Overall he's a great dad but at times I feel like he can't cope. If she's crying for longer than usual he gets frustrated but it's never more than "oh my god this kids driving me nuts" and during that time he still comforts her and does his bit. Sometimes It's like im always expected to take the baby with me wherever I go even if he's at home. I have never had hobbies but he has a couple and he still does them by himself while I have the baby but I feel like I can't ask him to have the baby while I have time for myself because really what am I going to do anyway? I have no hobbies? I feel like I always have to justify myself and I feel bad when I ask him to look after her by himself. He does a great job and he's never refused but sometimes his tone just feels a little off to me. Maybe I'm overthinking it. To top it off, now I dont know if it's because its been mostly me and her all the time, but I'm now nervous when I leave her with him. He's never been violent ever ever ever but what if he suddenly can't take her crying? What if he loses his temper?

Basically I've got a thousand thoughts in my head, I worry that me and the baby are an inconvenience, I worry that he'll do things differently to how I do them, I worry that he'll not be as patient as I am when she cries. I don't know if I've got post partun anxiety because he really has never shown signs of being a bad or abusive person?

To top it off he has covid, so far I'm testing negative but I'm terrified for our daughter even though she's showing no signs yet. I work in the icu and when I was 5 months pregnant we had a 7 week baby bought in who passed away from it. I'm absolutely traumatised by it for sure and I've never told my husband about it because I didn't want him to worry but I feel like I'm losing my mind at the minute. I just cried for half an hour and told him all kinds of silly excuses instead of the truth. I don't really know what I want from this post but I feel I just have to get it all off my chest.