Feeling unworthy to be his mom

Tonight as I was trying to nurse my daughter I was thinking about when I raised my voice at my 3 year old and how did things get so rough this afternoon….

I went through the sequence of events today. We ate breakfast, got ready for doctor, doctor appt, home and fed baby. He played while I did that and made Mexican lasagna. He ate Lunch alone while I put baby down for nap. I put him down for rest time. We went for a walk for an hour. Home to put baby down for nap. He watched pjmasks while I did that and some chores. Ran a snack to husbands work. Finished dinner. Ran to Kroger. Dinner. Bath. And now. Wowwwww. I’m just gonna cry the rest of the night. No freaking wonder why he acted out. I didn’t play with him at all except after I realized this and put the baby to bed. So for 15 minutes before bedtime we played. He was so excited which broke my heart even more. I have sobbed about it multiple times tonight. Even as I’m writing this my eyes are filling with tears. I apologized to him for raising my voice and not playing with him today. Oh what a pure soul he is. He said it’s okay mommy! Just happy go lucky as ever. I will think about it the rest of the night and into tomorrow. Replaying what I did and how I could AND SHOULD be better. I asked my son at bedtime if I was a nice mommy or a mean mommy. His response: you’re a nice mommy but when you get mad you say mean things and send me to my room.

The “mean” he’s referring to is raising my voice. I have never name called him or belittled him. Then he said “you just need to be kind when you’re mad at me.”

I feel like I have permanently screwed up my kid. I want to give him ice cream tomorrow for breakfast. I want to wave a magic wand and make this afternoon disappear. Shame on me. Shame on me for taking my irritability out on my sweet nugget. 💔😞😭