He can’t apologize without suggesting blame be shared in some way.

Sorry if this is long. I am wondering if anyone has been through this, and if so, did you solve it through a relationship councilor, or any other advice.

My husband has always had a problem apologizing for things he should apologize for.

We have been married 10years, together 18, three kids,.. this is not a new issue and one I have managed to see past until the last year or so. He also will lie by omission on things he should just tell me, and wouldn’t be an issue if he was honest. These are not deal-breaking issues like cheating or anything, more just general disrespect for me as his partner (example: buying a new expensive thing he wants and just not telling me till I see the item or charges for myself, when we have agreed certain purchases we tell each other about, and then saying ‘but why do you even care, we can afford it’, even though we agreed).

Most of the time, when he is at fault he won’t say he is sorry, but he will show he is in some way by not repeating the same behavior or being a little more ‘above and beyond’ thoughtful for a short period of time. He is not a bad guy, just a little selfish and seems to think an apology is an admission or show of weakness (his parents are this way and while he recognizes they are not a great marriage he doesn’t think he is like them).

I don’t like drama and I don’t yell, and I look past many of the little things he does (it’s not like I am perfect), but in the last two years he has had outbursts of yelling at our kids. Not the quick “don’t do that!” For safety reasons but a deep and intimidating barking yell, as if he wants them to fear him. It also often seems to happen without warning, like 0-60 type of progression. This happens maybe once every other month. I see the looks on my kids face and how it rocks them, and it is 100% UNACCEPTABLE and I don’t tolerate it. The first few time I pulled him aside calmly and told him he crossed a line.. his response is to calm down, do something like hug or say something nice to our kids (but not apologize), and not do it for a bit but also act like I am overreacting and it wasn’t that bad. It has happened enough where it has changed my feeling towards him and while I love him as the father of my kids I don’t have romantic or sexual love for him, and every time he shouts I have to start over trying to feel something for him. This last time I LOST IT on him and told him he needed to be a grown man and control his emotions and remind himself to fucking check himself before he speaks to anyone in our house that way. He is not used to me raising my voice to anyone in anger because quite honestly I can get my point across without it. He responded by blaming ME saying he wouldn’t yell if I got more involved and mumbled something about if I did the dishes more or made dinner on the days I work from home because‘it’s not like I am doing anything’… these are all bottomless claims, and he knows it. Our kids are well behaved and respectful. I get compliments on them. They get time outs and privileges taken away when they misbehave and that does the trick for them. For the record, we both work full time and split household responsibilities fairly evenly. I am the breadwinner, making about $40k more then him, and our insurance is through my job. I work longer hours and more is demanded of me in my role, something he knows. I WFH two days a week but I WORK during those hours,.. it’s not time off. If I am lucky I throw in a load of laundry or do a crockpot dinner, but that isn’t always possible with my workload. He gets home with the kids from school/daycare mid-afternoon and has literally 4 hours to make a simple dinner, one I never criticize or set any expectations on, and thank him for. I do other things to balance, like school lunches, clean up, laundry and dishes… long story short, his response to being told not to yell was to divert blame to me.

If he has an issue with how we function in household responsibilities that is a convo we can have, but it’s not a reason to loose your shit on our kids.

On this particular issue it’s probably gotten to a point where a genuine apology would start to count for less, and I need to see actual change, but it would be a start if he meant it.

As you can tell, we have things to workout and I need tools to figure out what to do. Please respond if you have constructive support or feedback.. I really don’t need to hear “he is a jerk” or “you are a bitch” critic on this