Miserable

I’m completely miserable. I’m irritable and angry and upset because I’m having a baby I don’t want. I wanted an abortion in the beginning but my bf shamed me into not doing it. I’m almost halfway and I feel trapped and pissed off. I don’t want a baby and I especially don’t want it with him. I was on drugs when I met him and throughout our relationship until finding out I’m pregnant. That’s when I sobered up and slowly I’ve realized I don’t even fucking like him!! I don’t like a single thing about him. I already knew I never wanted more children but he made me feel so bad and I REGRET letting him get to me. Truly I am full of rage this morning and possibly that’s making me feel more angry than I am but I’m really feeling suicidal! I’m trapped 😩😭😩😭😩😭😩

EDIT:

He’s a really good guy but there’s a large age gap between us and when I met him I was getting over the loss of my boyfriend before who passed away just a few months before hand. He’s not a bad guy but he’s just not for me. 😔 I can’t have/support a baby on my own. I watch how he parents his current child and I do not like his parenting whatsoever.. he has had his son since he was 4, the mom is not involved. I couldn’t allow him to raise a second on his own. I feel so absolutely horrible for the way I’m feeling because it’s not fair fo anyone involved but I’m truly in shambles 🥺