Self conscious vent

Alright y’all I am in need to vent/rant to someone tonight or just write it out somewhereeee and what better place than to do it here right? 😭😭 also I literally have zero friends to talk to about this. so there is thattt anyways my period is coming in 3 days and these emotional feelings are hitting harder than usual. 😩

I am literally starting to believe that love does not exist… shit atleast for me I am 23 yrs old and never ever had a boyfriend! Which I didn’t really care about but for some odd reason this year a lottt of people around me are getting these beautiful moments and I feel left out 🥲🥲 and it’s very hard for me to listen to there stories without getting jealous 😞😞 (unintentionally of course!)

I am trying my best not to but people keep telling me that they got engaged or they are talking w/ 2 people and they don’t know who to choose or that people around them flirt with them or they get hit on randomly. Meanwhile I don’t get squat 💩 people never look my way or when I talk to people it always they just wanna have sex or be FWBs only. So far in the past 3 months I’ve been told my multiple people (relatives) that I have a pretty face but not the body & only if I lost weight than maybe I would be taken. Every time I’m out with my sister they always have a crush on her every single time they give her compliments hold the door try to talk to her and get her #. My mom mentioned to me that our old neighbor use to have a crush on her and how she is her beautiful daughter but how she doesn’t get why guys like her when she is gay instead of me when I have “the brains”.

Every day I’m struggling to convince myself more and more that I am worthy, that I am pretty, that I don’t need to lose weight. That one day I will meet someone special.. I keep trying to hit the gym repeatedly just to keep failing and end up binge eating on food. I can never find clothes that fit me and I get frustrated because I know if only if I could only stick to clean eating this problem could be over! People keep saying I need a man I need a boyfriend or I need to learn self love first but it’s very hard when people comment on my appearance. I keep trying one night stands since I never actually had sex before and I am curious but guys always want to do it in a car and when we do try they put it in but since I’m to wet they constantly fall out of me so they just quit and lasts less than 2 minutes and I leave embarrassed. Honestly it makes me feel worse and I’m tired of hearing to wait for my time or that one person to come. I am not girly for reasons that my family make fun of how we dress. We use makeups = 🤡 we use heels = hope you fall on your face! We’re dresses or skirts = trying to be a hoe etc.

I just wish to have had or have atleast one just one experience good or bad 😞😞😣 I don’t feel normal, I don’t feel pretty and this feeling really fucking sucks!! This breaks my heart plays with my head and occasionally end up crying… like now as I typed this 😊

Well if you read all the way to the end, thank you for taking time to read this ♥️ I am not looking for pity or comments like see a counselor/therapist as I don’t trust them or please no “the time will come”. I’m literally just over this feeling and trying to make peace that I will forever be alone

** quick edit I meant to stay I was a virgin before trying to find one night stands 🤡😞 out of curiosity how it felt than those always failed cause it was always short and no good and embarrassing