Baby blues or PPD

Hey mamas, ftm here but also a step-parent, I’ve been struggling with some not so nice feelings. I know baby blues are normal, but I’m not sure when baby blues stops being so, and is actually PPD. When I first came home I was on a high, stayed up for probably 3 days, had about 10 hours of sleep by the first full week and would not let anyone else do anything for my baby as I felt it was my job and that I was the only person she’s ever known, so she would need me to comfort her.

Around 1 and a half weeks, I was able to go out without her for the first time, but by the hour mark was shaking with anxiety and could only think about getting my baby back with me.

I get super annoyed when other people state that she’s their baby “oh how’s my baby doing” but I don’t say anything because I feel bad that I feel that way, and I know I don’t own her at all but my whole body screams “that’s my baby.”

A couple sleepless nights in and I started having my first suicidal ideation (there’s already MH issues at play with me as well) but even as sleep improves I still have ideation.

There was one night (and I’m very ashamed of this even though my mama says it’s normal) my LO would not settle or stop crying, was very colicky and I’m not really getting the help I need from my SO, so I was beyond tired and frustrated. We were doing a diaper change and she wouldn’t work with me at all (duh right? She’s a baby) and all I could think was “it would be so easy to smother one of us with a pillow.”

That’s the first time I really scared myself.

The rest of it is just me always being angry, feeling insane, like clinically insane, and never feeling like an adequate mother that my children deserve. I have an apt with my psychiatrist on Friday, but should I go to my postpartum depression unit at my hospital? I don’t want to end up leaving my kid without a mother and I’m worried I’m headed there, but everyone tells me these are “normal feelings”

I feel so far from normal.

Thank you for the time you took to read this if you’ve made it this far. Good luck to all of you and your little ones❤️