Y’all..what the HELL?

I got out of a horrible abusive relationship that.. I really don’t want to go into it. Jesus.

I decided I was done. I was done looking for anything. I am so tired of being hurt and toyed with.

I meet this guy right and I’m like please go away. I was kinda mean Bc like I said I was done.

And he gave me some space. Later on he asks to take me out and I’m like okay. Had a fun night.

I tell him I was hurt badly and I’m not ready for any type of relationship.

He said “okay. I’m here when you’re ready.”

I said “I am not a healthy person right now. I am depressed and traumatized.” And he said “that’s okay, I’m here when you’re ready.”

I said I need space so he said “okay I’ll give you space. Talk to me when you’re ready.”

And he did.

I didn’t think he fully got it. I really am not ready.

I said “I am going through the darkest time of my entire life. I am trying to stay sober. I am heart broken. I need to heal, be alone, and find myself. I will not be good for you until I am good for myself.” And he said “I know. I am not fragile. I’ll be here anytime you don’t want to be alone.”

I didn’t want to be honest about how much I want drugs because its shameful. But if he’s so adamant I’ll tell him about it.

He said “let me know if there’s anything I can do to keep your mind off it it.”

He has been saying this whole time, I see you. I hear you. I understand.

And then his actions have been so kind. He brings me ibuprofen for my cramps. He happily shows up with full meals if I say I’m hungry.

And one night I had one of the ugliest moments of my life where I got shit faced drunk and ended up in my bed butt ass naked and calling him at 3am to come hold me. I was sick, extremely down. I was angry, and extremely emotional. I was literally just sobbing.

SO HE DID. He came over at 3 am and held me. He did not touch me in any way that wasn’t exactly what I asked for. He held me all night long while I sobbed.

Y’all this is an ugly UGLY part of my life I’ve been like well, if you’re gonna decide you like me you can see all of this. All of it. And he has.

He hasn’t judged, he hasn’t over stepped, he’s listened to me when I communicate. He tells me I am worth it all.

It went from me feeling nothing for him to looking at him and being happy that he is asleep in my bed. I’ve made this man wait and wait and wait for me to finally come around but he waited.

I do not know where this man came from. I am still not sold. I’ve been hurt way too much. I told him that too. I said you’re great but you have a lot to prove to me and its not gonna be easy. It will be a long time before I am ready for anything. You came into my life at a time where I desperately needed healing and I don’t know how long that will fully take. He said “it’s worth the wait”

WHERE HE COME FROM?

I mean I sit here and show him the ugliest parts of myself and I communicate everything even when it’s not pretty and not one time has he judged. He’s just been there the entire time. Anything I need he does it. Literally anything.

He has seen me puke my guts up and sob hysterically and uncontrollably, being completely unable to tell him why and he just held me because I asked him to. I can’t get over that. He’s seen my dirty house because I’m too depressed to even get up and shower. It doesnt matter that my hair is greasy and I’m wearing socks with sandals. He shows up with food, and just… complete acceptance of everything. He has seen it all. Never in my life have I been so willing to show all of myself even if it’s ugly. And he still looks at me like I am the most wonderful human being he’s ever seen in his life. I tell him all the time that I do not feel worthy of what he does for me and how he treats me because I am so broken and fucked up. and he just tells me “if this is the ugliest part of your life, you are a force to be reckoned with. And anyone who made you feel otherwise is a complete idiot that does not understand the dark.”

Either it’s too good to be true or I am just severely damaged.