Heart broken momma

So I met a guy at 17 and I fell hard. I had moved in with my dad to a new town and only had one relationship before that there which turned out to be a crazy abusive one (he beat me and didn’t let me have any friends ) . And when I left that guy and I met this guy (I’ll just call him guy x) he was so much nicer and just the non violent gangster type I was usually pulled to . He was the first guy I had sleep over and I would sleep over and we would talk all night . I would wake up and at 4 am with him just to be able to see him before work and the weeks turned into a year and a half and I was madly in love . Then boom I’m pregnant but only being 18 and scared I aborted it . I fell into depression because I felt I had did something horrible (still go back and fourth about it ) and we fell into a hard spot . Then the hard spot seemed to last months . I was grieving and just wanted him . He was grieving and just wanted space. Another year goes by and we had made it through and then we get into a fight and break up and for a couple days. We get back together and man did I miss this man . Then we started doing great again and agreed to put all differences aside . About two months later he’s acting distant and cold . Not wanting to see me making excuses. I know this man by like the back of my hand. I ask him what’s going on and I get news that a girl he screwed when we broke up is pregnant and having his kid . The kid that I was waiting to have from him ,just at the right time. We both cried and I told him to be there for his son and to be a good dad. I didn’t talk to him for months. I had dreams every night . I mean every night . Days passed by and it seemed like I couldn’t. I felt as if I just went along with the roles of a day but never could get him off my mind . I yearned for him. I craved to hear his voice even tho I couldn’t really remember it anymore . It’s a weird feeling for your body to get a since of happiness by something small as a voice . And then one day it happened . He messaged me after his son was born . A message that read “ I just got out of the hospital, and man I love my son. But having him does not change the love I have for you. It won me over because if he could be willing to want me even if it means having to split time with his son then his love must be genuine . That is a big thing or at least to me it was. And then around 3 weeks hold he wanted me to meet his som. I was so nervous I had never had a child or really been a parent figure. I never dated anyone with a kid especially one who was kinda made the middle of our relationship. But he was persistent and told me it was a package deal which I accepted. Then I met him. I held a little new born and felt complete peace and love . No I did not wanna replace his mom I wanted to add to the love and I did just that. He didn’t know how to be a dad either so I helped him wake up in the middle of the night to change him and rocked him to sleep when he cried. I was there whenever he needed someone to watch him and created a bond I will never regret. And then when he was almost a year that’s when It happened . I was pregnant . A shock for sure but I couldn’t give my baby up this time . I ended up having them tell me she’s gonna be Down syndrome and me and him cried for days . We were each others support system . I can’t tell you how much I bonded to him during that. But then a miracle happened and my baby girl was born beautiful and happy and our life was complete . I loved watching the kids play and being a mom. I still do . His son the little month old I held was now a big brother and toddler running all over . And my daughter showing me what a full time mom was like . If I could freeze life at the time I would . I felt complete and whole . My life is my family. Well now the kids are almost 3 and almost 2 and my baby’s father and love of my life has left me for another women . I’m in complete shock. I cry all day and still try to be a mom. Hasn’t even been two weeks since we’ve ended our 5 year relationship and he comes to pick up my daughter with hickies on his neck trying to hid it. He ended things with me and told he he needed time to think. It’s been about 10 days and I can’t think about it or I cry . I had to move in with my parents and don’t have a job but have my daughter all week. I have no friends since I never really had a chance to make any in this town. I’m all alone . It’s a shitty feeling after having what felt was a family. I see him drive away with the kids and the silence over whelms me . The memories of him I have everywhere is haunting . I find myself thinking is life worth it now and then feel guilty for thinking like that as a mom . How do I keep going ? I now have to find a baby sitter cuz my parents are to old and sick to watch my tolddler and work and try to go to school to find a career . Im scared to ever love again cuz how can someone who I’ve done so much for hurt me so bad . With no remorse. He not only takes him but his son who I love so much . This is the worst pain I’ve felt by far . I’m still trying to learn how to live my life when it’s so different now . With out my boys. I’m lost . Lost in my own mind that I swear is a prison . Any body ever felt like this ?