Is this a normal thing for a mom to say?

Question

I was going to attend a family bbq this weekend but I canceled bc I found out someone who’s going may have Covid. I’m pregnant and don’t want to risk getting sick. My husband is going upstate to his family’s house for his moms bday & Mother’s Day, with just his parents. I love going to his upstate house and go there often but wasn’t planning to go this weekend, I need to stay home and study. When I called my mom to tell her I’m not going to the bbq anymore, she said (in a very stern voice) that if I wasn’t going to my family’s bbq anymore, she would be very upset if I go with my husband upstate instead and don’t see her at all over the weekend for Mother’s Day. Implying that it would be a very big deal and she’d be mad at me. 
I made a plan to see my mom Sunday morning for breakfast so all is good now, but was that a normal thing for a mom to say to her 28 year old daughter? My husband thought it was kind of harsh and unhealthy, like she was saying I should sacrifice any chance of me having a good weekend just to go visit her for a few hours for this ‘holiday’.

Answer

She's just saying she would be upset if you would go visit his mother instead of your own. Was she under the impression that you weren't going to the BBQ just so you could go upstate instead?

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If I had a daughter who was starting her own family, I would see it as passing the torch. She would be the spotlight for Mother’s Day, not me. Yes, she’ll always be your mother but I don’t think she should expect you to roll out the red carpet for her every year especially when you have a lot on your plate. 
My mom did something like this one year and I almost said to her, “you didn’t even raise me”. It was very left field and just an odd thing to experience.

Answer

You are a married woman now, she shouldn’t expect to get you for every holiday. In addition to that, you didn’t cancel last minute to be rude - you cancelled since someone has Covid and you are pregnant. And if she is going to that event and you see her the next day, she could still expose you. 
I get that it’s hard for parents to let go, but I find this so toxic. 
I remember when I first got married, we were waiting to hear if my FIL was flying down for thanksgiving. My parents lived down the street and my dad was my boss - huge mistake. Anyways, he called me up on a Sunday and asked what we were doing for thanksgiving- I said IDK yet, waiting to hear from FIL. He told me if we don’t come to his house that I’m no longer a part of the family and not to even bother coming to work the next day. 
We set some big boundaries after that incident, we also looked for new jobs and moved two hours away.

Answer

Her feelings are valid. I think it was healthy for her to say it outloud 🤷🏼‍♀️ it would be hurtful. Glad you found a compromise in just seeing her. I get why no to the bbq

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From your mom's side of things you've blown off the family bbq. She's then thinking you're spending Mothers Day upstate with your mother in law and not with her. She could have traded that off in her head if you'd have been at the bbq - but you weren't (and I fully understand and completely agree with why you weren't). So to her it looks like your mother in law comes before her.
Shes in a backwards way around said that in a passive aggressive way. As a mother to a 27 year old, yes it hurts when he spends big holiday days with his wife's mom and not me - but we generally trade off. If we didn't then I would most likely be telling him that I wasn't happy, which is what your mom has done.

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Tell your mom to quit allowing sick people to gather during a f*cking pandemic and maybe her pregnan lt daughter would be able to come see her as planned. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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It made her feel like you preferred his family over your own, it made her feel rejected, it made her feel you don’t appreciate her and the fact that it’s Mother’s Day weekend, that’s the thing. If it was any other weekend, I’m sure it would be a different story. It made her feel that you preferred your mother-in-law over her. So of course she felt butt hurt. Unfortunately mothers are notorious for Guilt or Manipulation, so it sucks. Being dramatic, and overly dramatic, flipping out and overreacting, my mother is the queen of it, I’ve just learned to not give a damn about half the things that come out of her mouth, she sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me most days. She’s also narcissistic so that’s even more fun to add into the mix. All is well, you found a compromise, but you also have to remember that your happiness, your mental health, your own family that you have now, comes before the family that raised you. And if it becomes an issue you need to set boundaries, not allowing family to interfere or control or manipulate your own relationship, coming over when they want to rather than asking or seeing if you’re even available, and so many other things that happen. The same token you’re not obligated, you are choosing to spend time with her because you want to not because you feel obligated by guilt remember that. You can always cut people out of your life. If they are toxic and make you feel guilty or anything else. They are choosing to make you feel that way So that they get their way, like a toddler who throws a tantrum. Keep your eyes wide open,￼￼ good luck

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This became my life as soon as I got married. I grew to hate holidays or special occasions because someone was always pissed if I spent an extra one at the other families house got worse when we had children. Now we spend special occasions by ourselves and the stress is gone. Sad it's resulted in that but I didn't really see another option.

Answer

Eh...I can see this from everyone vantage point. A few thoughts.....
I think your mother was looking forward to seeing ans celebrating mothers day with you. I understand the trepidation due to covid, but I think we all need to start taking into consideration the very real fatigue people are feeling reguarding this whole thing. Early on in the pandemic, covid was an understandable and even virtuous excuse to miss just about anything. People were ok with broken plans and changes. As the circus has evolved, gone on to its 3rd year and new developments learned....the old standby excuse just doesn't cut it anymore and is being recognized for what it is in many cases....an excuse. I think she may be feeling as if you would rather go to this house, keep company with your husband's family and as a way to plan your exit from plans with her, might be using "covid" as a convenient escape hatch. The rationalization here is if you are so afraid of covid that you would cancel plans with mom because there is someone there who MAY have been exposed to covid prior, then you would be equally as afraid to go to this house where you might be inadvertantly exposed to someone else who is positive. You wouldn't be blowing your mom off to go to your inlaws house for the weekend....would you?
Look, I'm not sure what you are thinking here, what the whole story is or where you are coming from exactly and at the end of the day it is your call. However I can tell you that there have been many incidences where people have cancelled on me becuase they were "afraid of covid" only to then go to an arguably riskier setting and post their photos all over social media. Nothing stings quite as badly as seeing a friend who didn't want to come over for dinner becuase they were "dodging" covid then go to the circus with their extended family. 
Good luck and have a great mother's day just the same.

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No, I don't think it's normal.
And even trying to put myself in her place, I don't think her behavior is okay. I'm with your husband on this one.

Is this a normal thing for a mom to say?

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