I love being able to celebrate my mom and mother-in-law but this day is so hard for me. I try to not let people know it gets to me after all this time but this is the worst day of the year for me. I've had 6 miscarriages and we don't have any children. We've looked into adoption but it's so expensive and with fostering the whole goal is to give them a place to live until their families can take them back. While I would love to do that, it would kill me as I want to have kids and be in their life always. We might be able to do that one day but eight now I'm struggling so much just thinking that any day they can be taken back. I have always wanted to be a mom since I was little. That's all I've ever wanted to be. It's also hard because I want the recognition that I did have babies but celebrating makes me feel terrible because they aren't even here. When people do say really nice things all I want to do is cry. I wish I could just sleep this whole day away but I'd have to stay up all night the night before and won't be able to sleep tonight so there's no point. I've been playing video games but it's just putting off responding to people as many friends and family have texted/called/FB messages. I can't decide if it's better they thought about me and said nice things or if they just didn't say anything. It would be sad to be ignored but it's also heartbreaking to be thinking about it so much. We wanted to have a large family and here we are 9 years in with 0 kids. I thought (and people said over and over) that it gets easier with time but it just doesn't.

Yes we've done a ton of testing, I just want to get my feelings out there so this isn't asking for advice on what to test next but just a rant about how hard today is for me. Also sorry to bring everyone/anyone down, I'm just really having a hard and I dont think I've ever gotten this out in writing. I really needed to get it out but dont want to drag down my family's day