I'm so sad today

My ex and I just broke up a little over a month ago and I am taking it really hard still. we was together 4 years and of course we were through some stuff but there were so many great times, I didn't even want this to end but it did, and when it did it was bad. We was always arguing and fighting everyday after about the second year mark and to make things worse we lost our son during birth, and then we had miscarriage after miscarriage and wasn't able to become pregnant again. A few months before our bad split things did feel weird with us the sex was non existent, we fought even more than we did before it was almost like he hated me foreal . He would tell me he loves me and wanted to be with me even when I clearly would ask him to his face . Well the day of the split the home we shared was destroyed, our son's ashes were dumped on the floor somewhere by him, physical altercations happened it was sad and terrifying. I left to go get food came back and the whole house was cleared out nd he was gone . I was gone 30 mins tops and he literally took everything, everything down to the air fryer. A month later i feel kind of happy but often think of our life together and get very sad and let down feels its horrible honestly. I literally am scared to meet someone new and possibly have kids and a life with because I was with him and desperately wanted to fix these problems that were unfixable because he never was willing to make anything work and hated talking to me so our communication was off too. I don't know if I'm enjoying single life because he did some messed up things to me and I deserve to be happy or if I secretly miss him. He's definitely moved on my sister has tinder and he was there so 🤷🏻‍♀️I'm just really trying my best to just love me and make me happy