Abortion

I had a surgical abortion about 2 months ago now. I have 3 children and wasn’t ready to have another child. I waited till the last minute I could get the procedure because the whole time I was so torn. I don’t morally agree with abortion. I never have and I never will. It was unplanned (but so were my other 3) my youngest was 10 months when I fell pregnant and I hid that from my family the entire time to avoid the inevitable judgement. This time around my partners father pretty much treats me like the Black Plague. I was scared more than anything of him finding out and making it more difficult for my partner and our situation. We both still live with our parents but he’s getting financially stable. Got a really great salary paying job a few months back but very mentally demanding and stressful. He couldn’t handle any more stress from anyone and neither could I. I feared that he was going to leave me because of how on edge he constantly was. And frankly I didn’t want to be pregnant and single. We talked about adoption but I don’t know if I’d be able to just give my baby away. My youngest child is also his and he’s such a great father. Loving, protective, supportive. I never imagined being here. In this place. All because I was afraid of what those around me were going to do or say. Everything happened so fast. By the time I mustered up the courage to make an appointment it was only a week before the cut off and I had to make a decision immediately. I got an appointment the very next day and was told I was just going to be talked to and get an ultrasound. I ended up getting there over a half hour late due to traffic and parking confusion as I hadn’t been to the area before. I waited for almost an hour before they called me back. Then took my blood pressure, weight, did an std test and finally the ultrasound. I didn’t even look at the screen.. I couldn’t bring myself to. But I wish I did.. I wish I did because I know that would have made all the difference.. I was then called into another room. I know the second I walked in it was the procedure room. There was a coldness, an eeriness about it that I couldn’t describe. Impending doom filled my being and I felt my chest tighten and my breathing trembled. They said they had a cancellation today and they could do the prep but I needed to make a decision soon bc the appointment scheduler was leaving in less than 15 minutes. I was lost. I went in thinking I was just going to give them my information and get tests run. I had no idea my child’s fate was going to be decided on impulse. I was never talked to. Nobody sat down with me and truly went over my options. I was clearly distraught. Tears running down my face unable to speak coherently. They said “you don’t sound 100% confident” I said “I’m not and I’m never going to be” they didn’t take that as sign they didn’t say, hey I don’t feel comfortable doing this today because I can tell you’re really not ready and need time to think. But my partner could only get work off for one day. If I did the procedure the next week it would be a 3 day process and I didn’t want to go in more than I needed to. I didn’t want to go in ever again. I remember laying on the table with my legs in stirrups, everything within me was screaming “leave!” “Run” “get out now” but I stayed. I remained still and silent and the only response I gave was “mhm” was I was asked if I’m sure. But I wasn’t and I regret that decision every waking moment of my life. I want my baby back. I wish I didn’t do this. I wish I saved her life instead of ending it. I wish she got to meet her older siblings. She would have learned so much. I feel so selfish. So guilty. So wrong. This will tear at my heart, my soul, for the rest of my life. I can’t undo it but I wish I could. I want to figure out how to time travel so I could go back and tell myself just how stupid, just how crazy I was being in thinking that this was a solution. None of it is okay and I wish things were different. Everything was rushed, I was put on the spot and frankly the hospital didn’t care. They already had the money for the procedure from being approved for full funding the day prior. It made no difference to them wether she lived or died. I hate this. If only I had the time to think things through, if I was talked to heart to heart. If I didn’t let my fears consume me all this wouldn’t have happened. It doesn’t feel real. Still to this day. I’ve lost touch with reality, even who I am as a person I’m unsure about. I don’t know who I am anymore because who I was would have never considered such a thing. I’m so lost. I’m hurting. The only one that knows and is experiencing the same pain is my partner as he regrets it too.. but we don’t talk about it because it sparks unwanted feelings and we both just spiral. I have a therapist but I haven’t been able to discuss it with anyone.. this is my first time sharing my story. I know people make this decision for a plethora of reasons but my advice is to try to put yourself and your life into perspective because from the outside looking in, things really aren’t as bad as they actually seem in your mind. There’s always possibilities and opportunities to make things work. I couldn’t see clearly. I was blinded by my emotions and I regret it. For those who aren’t sure like I was, talk to as many people as you can. Confide in loved ones, find support groups, speak with a therapist, discuss it on threads like these. Reach out to others so you can truly weigh your options before deciding. The mistake I made was going through it alone the whole time. My partners opinions were biased and emotionally he was just as lost as me. I wish we sought out those support systems and got the help we needed before on a whim very last minute deciding it was the only option.. I know there’s others out there who feel just like me and I encourage you to share your stories. Sometimes talking about it is all you need just to get through the day. You are not alone. I stand with you.