I'm sure this will be deleted..but I'm going to post this anyway!

To preface, I am not a harm to myself and most definitely not to anyone else.

I suffered from depression at 22 (almost 23 years old).. I fell pregnant at 18 & gave birth to my son...my first born at 19. You guys... I was so broke and desperate for help. My family turned their backs on me. My son's father had his own issues going on and left the state to live with his father..that he had only recently discovered at that time. He took a chance and left!! I remember sneaking food out of the house for him because his mom kept kicking him out. His mother ((at the time)) had recently learned his father...her estranged husband...had filed for divorce to marry a woman of another race!! Him being the eldest (& so was I) we related to the abuse and hardships. When he left the state we were great!! We co-parented well to a child barely 4 years old. Suddenly after... He used the money I sent to pay for dates with his new girlfriend (now wife). To pay back taxes he owed. He had a daughter with this new woman and I was never mad!! I just figured that my time with him was up. Well, once I got back on my feet (1 year later)..I sent for my son... & he wouldn't allow me to see him. Needing to get back on my feet hurt me in the worst way and we went through 3 years of family court and I gave up!! He had/has been an excellent father. And I still get to see my son whenever I want. I pay for his flights and all. By myself...but I'm so afraid of a promise that I made to myself before court ended.... I swore to myself that I'd end my life when all 3 of my children turned 18. He's 13 now, my 2nd is about to be 8, & my youngest just turned 5. And, honestly I feel like I don't have any other purpose than to get them through high school. Beyond that, I feel useless because that it where I began to make my mistakes. I didn't have the village I needed but to this day I've been there for everyone else who needed/needs me. My mother has called me weak and shameful because she feels I gave my son away. No one has ever shown up for me. I hate the fucking world because all I needed was a little time to bounce back. I went on to be engaged to a man who beat me up, suffered a miscarriage, and to become pregnant again to fill a void. Only to leave him and a year later meet a man who I felt that God sent to answer my prayers...Only for me to move due to court and needing to make more money. Found out he was lying and he proposed another woman and married her 2 days before I gave birth!!!!!!!! I've been trying to fill this void and failure and tonight, I finally see why and I finally fucking give up. I still get to excited when I see my friends and random people fall in love, marry, have babies. I'm realizing now...that's not in the cards for me. I'm not mad about it. At all!! I just give up LOL.

Anyway, so my son's father & I...

He & I are finally in a place where we co-parent well which is all I've ever wanted. I've never been mad at him for moving on...I was angry because he decided that his reality with his own mother determined his respect for me seeing as we shared/share a child!  But tonight, he expressed how he's happy that we get along and all but meanwhile for the past 9 years...I hate that he felt the need to change towards me to appease someone who he loved more than me. I never tried to win him back... I just wanted my son. Not to take away from him...but to be in my son's life.

I guess at this point...in this moment... I'm afraid of that silent promise I made to myself