Possible eating disorder??

****TRIGGER WARNING*****

I need some help in admitting the truth to myself and what I should do now…

I have always had issues with body image because my mom was very critical of my body as a child. I ate too much, I needed to workout more, I had cankles, if I didn’t change my eating habits I was going to be 300lbs, I had a big girl booty, and all. This started when I was in junior high and I was freaking skinny. But didn’t think I was. I never did anything to myself then, but thought I didn’t have a nice body. Then when I was 19 I started having thyroid issues and gained 15 lbs in a few months. I was married to a douche at the time and it greatly affected me. This is when the issues began. I started to just not eat very much. Then I got divorced and got crazy about barely eating and being super active. I was very depressed and just not hungry. Lost 15lbs in two weeks. Then I kept it off and stayed healthy in my habits. Eating well and working out normally. Started taking Birth control for new marriage and gained 15 lbs again because my thyroid reacted to the hormonal BC. Started hardly eating and working out daily. Couldn’t lose the weight. Got pregnant and this is when I started to realize there was an issue. I was obsessed with my weight and would weigh myself five times a day. I kept track of how much weight I needed to gain to be healthy for the baby and wouldn’t allow myself to gain more. Once I had her I got crazy about not eating again and found breastfeeding made it very easy to lose weight. I lost 10 lbs and would reward myself on how little I could eat in a day. I realized something was wrong when my daughter at only past a year old started weighing herself. I always tried to make it positive and never make anything about her body, but I knew something had to change. So I got better, until my thyroid got unbalanced again and I gained 7lbs in a week. Now I’m really struggling to make myself eat without focusing on every bite I take or how I shouldn’t be eating so much (when I’m not eating much at all). I feel so bad for eating anything. This is a disorder isn’t it. I’m falling down a rabbit hole and I don’t know how to get out….what do I do? I’m obsessed with my weight and only see that I’m “fat, chunky, and all” I’m 5’9” and 161. I’m at a healthy weight! But I can’t seem to see that it’s okay to fluctuate. I need food. I right this feeling hungry and feeling guilty because I want to eat something…..please help…any advice? I can’t let my daughter have these issues. I have to change….