Depressed

I’m 11 weeks pregnant and I feel so guilty because I don’t want to be pregnant at all. This pregnancy wasn’t planned at all!!! I already have 2 ( 2 years and 7 years) I always thought it was more than enough. Well… i guess God has another plans for me since I wasn’t looking forward for this pregnancy. And I was taking care I was using the IUD but I guess it fail me big time 🤧.

I got this anger in me and sadness that I can’t get rid offf no matter what I do. First of all, the father doesn’t want the baby he wanted me to abort and I’m against abortion. He keeps making me think this is all my fault, as if I wasn’t or took out my birth control which neither of those happened. On top of that I was so mad I ended up telling him it wasn’t his, the unborn baby. I wanted to take that “weight” off his chest. I’m not sure if he believed it or not. I feel like a shitty person right now.

The main reason why I don’t want this pregnancy is because I feel like I’m going through the same shit I did with my last two kids. And I was trying so hard to avoid that. With my first, the father of this baby as well he make me feel we were just together because of my daughter. He used to flirt with someone, I wasn’t mostly mad and annoyed through my pregnancy. With my second pregnancy, I was dating a narcissist who didn’t want to be in my son’s life just because I didn’t want to take all his mistreatments.

And now I’m in the middle of nowhere, crying and no willingness of eating and exercising not even taking my prenatal medicine. All this is not only affecting my unborn child but my 2 years old as well (my 7 yrs is with her dad) I’m only getting up out of my bed 2x. I feel so guilty and so a bad mother. On top of that my morning sickness as the worst all the way to 9 month with my last 2 pregnancy I’m guessing the same with this one. I throw up literally everything I eat EVERYTHING. I’m so tired of this!!!!

I just wanted to vent. I don’t know to whom express my feelings during these time.