My 4th loss…So angry. Petrified.

So yesterday, I had my second ultrasound at 6weeks 6days. There was no embryo.

This is my fourth loss. Have now had three miscarriages and one chemical pregnancy. But this time, I’m downright angry. In June, my husband and I were interviewing donor clinics abroad, having made the difficult decision to give up on our hopes of having a baby that was 100% ours. At 43.5 and given my history of failed pregnancies and 7 failed IVF cycles (one of which produced one of my miscarriages), we had made peace with taking the next step of donor eggs. And then on June 18th, I got a positive pregnancy test. I was in near disbelief. And of course super nervous. While everything was going ok, or so we thought, yesterday it was clear as day looking at that empty gestational sac that our hopes had been shattered once again. All of my pretty intense pregnancy symptoms were simply my body taunting me in the most cruel way possible.

With this loss, I’m just plain angry. Like why the hell would the universe put me through this when I was literally two weeks from choosing a donor clinic and I was at peace with that?! Now not only do I have to deal with this new loss, but I have to come to terms with the loss of not having my own genetic child once again AND I have to now go through the gut wrenching experience of a medical abortion - I’ve been prescribed misoprostol.

TMI warning: So today, I went back to the hospital to have them insert the pills for me because with my first miscarriage, I was not successfully able to stick four pills up my vagina deep enough to get to my cervix so they never worked. I’m honestly not sure how other women manage. In any case, I’m petrified of the intense pain these pills will induce. I’m currently laying in bed just waiting for the intense cramping to start. The doctor said to expect to pass tissue as big as a lemon! An f-ing lemon. Again. Sorry. TMI. I mean, obviously, I know eventually I would have birthed something much larger than a freaking lemon but like you’re in the hospital for that and you’re dilated, etc.

I’m terrified of what I’m about to go through physically without yet even fully processing this whole thing emotionally. I don’t deserve this much heartache and I’m tired of being “strong and resilient.”

Any recommendations or thoughts welcome.

Thank you all and I wish you all the best with your pregnancies.

🙏🏼❤️💔