This will be long but I need advice. We recently found out that my oldest son (age 4) might have autism. They mentioned it when he was 2, but by the time he was 3 he was doing everything they wanted him to be doing so it wasn't brought up again. But at his 4 year well check, he did a few things in the office (wouldn't make eye contact, spun around and rocked back and forth constantly, repeated sounds and words over and over again) that made his pediatrician want to have him evaluated. So we're starting that process soon, but in the meantime, I was wanting to see if there's anything that could help me with him and his behavior. He's extremely hyperactive, he's aggressive and overly affectionate with other kids, he has so many meltdowns a day and I don't know how to handle it. His worst meltdowns always happen when he's playing, he will line up/stack toys and if they fall or get touched by someone else, like his baby brother, he screams and pushes the person down and will cry like he's hurt. He's been kicked out of daycare for this. When he's upset, he screams as loud as he can and won't listen to me, and he hits himself. Things have to be his way or he freaks out and cries so much and I don't know how to help him. I try to be calm and gentle with him but he will not take his ADHD medication, will not eat food I make that he used to eat with no problems, will not let us have more than one light on in one room and will scream until we turn one off, he won't sleep in his own bed. Everything is a battle and I get so overwhelmed. We don't spank and we try to not yell. But even communicating with him in soft tones doesn't calm him down some days. Some days he's completely fine, he'll talk all day and will have complete conversations, he'll answer questions and tell us how he's feeling, he sings songs and plays, wants to cuddle, and he's so smart. He knows his ABCs, colors, shapes, and can count to 30, and is supposed to start preK next month. But other days he just makes noises at us or ignore us completely, or he'll scream and won't listen, and he will run and climb and jump off of furniture, and won't stop no matter how much we try to keep him safe. He won't let me vacuum or listen to music, even if it isn't loud, he says it hurts his ears. There are also times when he will spend an entire day pretending to be a cat, and nothing will break him from it. He has absolutely no impulse control, he's completely potty trained but will choose to pee in the middle of the floor instead of going to the bathroom, he will hit people, hit himself across the face, break things, take perfectly good food from the fridge and throw it in the trash...and when I ask why, he just says he doesn't know.

I'm honestly so scared to do things wrong, I want to be exactly how he needs me to be but I don't know what to do. I feel so frustrated because I knew something wasn't quite right years ago, but everyone brushed it off because of how smart he is, even when I explained that you can be a genius and still be on the spectrum. Certain people in the family have even refused to ever watch him again because of how "bad" he is, and will tell people we just don't discipline him.

Any advice or resources are welcome, thank you.