I’m not really sure where to start. I feel like this sounds really dumb but when I was in kindergarten another child always tried touching me inappropriately and I said no, then he told me I was a horrible friend and he would never talk to me again so I let him. It happened for a year then he moved away. I ignored it for a very long time but recently my 2nd cousin who is 3 years older then me has started being weird. It started when I was 15 and he was 17-18. We were staying at my other cousins house and I was sleeping on an air mattress and he was supposed to sleep on the couch. When I woke up he was asleep holding my butt and I just froze. We had always been close growing up, he’d tickle me and things like that. Now I’m 16 and he’s 19, when every we’re together he try’s touching me. I know I’m underage but I was drinking during memorial weekend and I woke up to him in my bed, pressing up on me. I froze again and acted like I was sleeping. Then he started grabbing me and trying to touch me down there. I freaked out and got up and went to the living room. Since that happened every time we’re together he try’s touching me, and rubbing up on me. Even if his parents are home. I just told myself it was normal and it happens to everyone. After he kissed me I told him nothing like that could ever happen again and it was gross. I’m so disgusted with myself and I feel like there more I should’ve done. Last night I woke up to him grabbing my boobs and a froze. I never thought I’d be the kind of girl to freeze when something like that is happening to her. He started fingering me and I moaned so I feel like I encouraged it. He tried to give me head and I pushed him away and left the room to go to another bedroom. He left me alone after that. This has been going on for 70 days. My family is all so close and I could never report this, they wouldn’t believe me and I’d be ostracized.

I just want to know what this is, and that I’m not alone. The insides of my thighs are bruised, I took pictures of it. Is this my fault? Or both of ours? I feel so guilty and gross.