Should be grateful

The quick of it is this… when my daughter was born I didn’t have an help. My husband’s excuse is “I’d never been a dad before” and I had more experience with kids (friend’s kids). So he went back to work when she was a week old. Her birth was extremely traumatic and extremely painful. I’ve never experienced anything like it. It was in 2020 so none of our family came around to help. My husband now helps that she’s older. I’m still dealing with a mild form of anxiety whenever he mentions us trying for another one. He says that I’ll have more help now that he knows what to do. That he’ll make sure it never happens again.

He’s also said that not a lot of men are hands on like he is now so I should feel luckier. He says his Dad was nothing like he is. Never changed a diaper or anything. Sorry but boo hoo. That’s his mom’s fault for putting up with that. His mom literally did everything. Like imagine old time cartoons of the wife getting the slippers. DH promised we would be helpful and made promises that he didn’t keep with our daughter. I love him with all my heart but I can just forget how vulnerable I was left before. I went through months of pain and it was all put on me because he never did it before. I had never been a mom before and I did what I needed to do through the pain.

Even since whenever I try to talk to him about it he gets annoyed, changes the subject and tells me it’s in the past. I feel like it’s making me bitter and more anxious. He’s amazing with our daughter now. Just wish he had been this way from the start like he said he would be. Also, with help from family he tells me that I put an idea in my head and was too wishful with my thinking. Which I see now I was.

I don’t want to bitter and I don’t want to be anxious. I feel like the anxiety is contributing to my being tired all. the. time. Every day. He says I need to push past it all and just move on. It seems impossible. Uuuuugh.