I’ve only recently come to the realization earlier this year that I was raped by my ex. Or at least I think/ feel like I was. You see, about the same time I had that realization it was around the time my sisters started talking about our childhood trauma/second hand trauma and I was so emotional hearing about what I already knew in my gut that happened. They didn’t go in detail and made it as not triggering as possible, but I always had a gut feeling as I grew up and started remembering snip bits back then. But for some reason I was extra emotional and I didn’t know why and I kept apologizing to them for my constant crying because I only remember going through/ experiencing the second hand trauma (not their SA/rape[im not sure if it was both or one, I just know it was something of that nature) . But after a few nights of obsessing over all the trauma back then and crying all the time and loosing my appetite like crazy, one night I had a flashback that literally shot me up out of bed and I could not control myself and I was hyperventilating and crying my eyes out. I saw what I assumed and hoped to be a dream of my ex and me and the rape? I have a gut feeling now that it was in fact rape and not just a dream like I thought for years. I haven’t told nobody about it but I feel like I should mention it on some days but I know everyone will know who it was. It really sucks that I unfortunately have a kid with the guy and he clearly isn’t the nicest guy and has caused me trauma outside of the rape. But last night my boyfriend of almost 2 years woke me up last night and he woke me up from a triggering dream that literally made me think of my experience. I almost always love being woken up by him from my sleep just to make love with him but the dream really tripped me out. I ended up just silently crying to myself because I didn’t want him to notice and then I would have to explain why I was even crying in the first place. This is the first time I had a dream like that and being woken up to have sex at the same time and that makes me wonder if I was being touched (maybe I wasn’t though and it was just kisses or rubs on my arm or legs or stomach). At least that’s what I usually do to him if I wake him up from sleep. See, I never would have minded before I came to the realization of my past but now I feel really uncomfortable and having the dream that I had definitely doesn’t help in the moment. But I don’t know if I should just tell him about it or not say anything. Especially since I’m not sure if it was a real experience, I still find ways to make myself want to believe that it isn’t true and for some reason I don’t know why my brain keeps making me feel like I’m overreacting and that what I feel is invalid and I shouldn’t be as upset as I am. I don’t know I if I had a question… I guess I just wanted to say what I’ve been thinking about recently. I don’t know.