Why can’t I get over him and move on…

My ex and I were together almost 9 years. We own a home together. We have two amazing little boys together. We promised each other forever. He was my world. My everything. We agreed to have kids together. We agreed we didn’t want children in a broken home. Everything was great until it wasn’t. Throughout the last 9 years he has shown me time and time again why we do not work and yet for whatever reason, I still love him. After we had kids, he started sneaking out of the house to go out drinking with friends. He’d wait for me and the kids to go to bed. He has talked to females behind my back with intent to hook up with them while I’m asleep in our bed. I’d see videos of him dancing with other women. He’d blow up on me for small things.. like when I was pregnant begging for him to stay home and spend time with me for once. But he chose his friends and the bars every weekend. He has screamed at me. Thrown things at me. He doesn’t help clean. He’s irresponsible with money and put me in awful positions because of it. And yet I still push away all the bad and focus on the good.. like when he gives me massages because I’m sore. Or lotions my legs after shaving. Or randomly dancing with me even when there’s no music. He smothered me with affection. He’d surprise me with nice gifts. We can talk all day about everything and nothing at the same time. When things ended he cried. Begged me not to leave. But he never made me feel as though I was enough.. if he needed satisfaction from other women, I wasn’t enough. I felt I’d never be enough.

Unfortunately due to inflation and rent skyrocketing and rates increasing, I can’t afford to move away from him on my own and I don’t have family to live with. But staying here, living with him, it’s killing me. I shouldn’t love him anymore. I shouldn’t want to stay. But here I am, at 5am, crying because he just got back from hanging with another woman… one who he said he wants to change and be better for.. this woman is engaged to another man. This man has no idea his fiancé is cheating on him with my ex. Yet they’re still planning a wedding. And she has no intentions on breaking off their engagement but still wants to pursue my ex…

It’s beyond messy… why do I still feel the way I do.. why can’t I get over him and move past this… I know living together is making it 10 times worse but I don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I want to be done. I want to move on. I just want to be happy.. and I know the arguing and his reactions are toxic. I know I don’t want to deal with it for life. I know I need better. I deserve better. I just need to let him go but I don’t know how…

Idk if I’m looking for advice, support or just a listening ear. But if you made it this far, thank you for listening.