I know how it sounds and I feel beyond guilty for even questioning her. She just tells little obvious lies here and there, almost to smell her self I guess you can say. Everything seems to be a competition as well. Some days, I just genuinely need a break and cry because it’s emotionally draining to be around her so much. Again, I feel guilty even saying that. And honestly, I don’t even know where to start for anyone to grasp the severity of it all.

It just seems like anything you’ve been through, she has too. And worse. For example, I’m 24 years old. My mom married this guy when I was four years old. He was abusive in anymore you can think of. He mentally and physically abused me every single day. I was more or less his regular sex partner. He sexually assaulted me about 2-3 times a week for nearly 10 years. I finally had the courage to tell someone. I was so scared. He was such a dangerous man. There was one point where she sold drugs to another man and that guy never paid him the money that he had owed. So my then step-father grabbed his daughter and put a gun to her and threatened her to get the money out of the other guy. It’s just things of that nature that ever made me so scared to say anything. He ended up going to jail and he fought me so much. I had to go to court to face him when I was 17 and it was just so difficult. I’m married now, and we have two daughters. I have such bad anxiety when it comes to most people around them. I got a call a few months ago that he was going up for parole and I immediately lost it. I was in the store and I went into this panic attack. I felt like I couldn’t breath, like I was gonna throw up, everything around me just seemed to be spinning. My husband left work to come drive me back home. I’ve always had this fear he would find me and hurt our children or my husband like he tried to do to that little girl. I was scared for their sake. I didn’t tell anyone at the time, but I had kind of just felt like the only way to keep them safe is if I wasn’t here. He ended up going up on parole a couple of months later and I watched. It was medical parole and when I seen him, I knew. He passed away a few weeks after that. And the guilt I carried for even feeling like I did is awful. He would have won yet again. And when I finally spoke to my grandmother about all of this, she said “at least your mother didn’t give you to her drug dealer when you where 17 and said sometimes you just have to take one for the team”. I was really annoyed. Because that’s not going to help someone feel better. Why would you even say that? Our oldest daughter is 4, the same age I was when it first started, and sometimes I look at her and I just can’t wrap my head around how someone can do something like that to such a baby, or even in general.

Our oldest daughter was also born at 29 weeks. I went through labor for 5 days and wasn’t allowed an epidural because they didn’t know when she would actually coke. They hoped I would make it to 32 weeks. And this is the one I feel so guilty about. She said she had a stillbirth. Something’s never made sense to me but that was just something to never question. So I didn’t. But it came up today. A little backstory, she is married to my uncle. She has a son from a prein is relationship who is 4 almost 5. They have been together for almost 3 years. She is currently twenty five weeks or so pregnant with their child. She always said it took them 2 years to get pregnant. I never questioned it until now. Because when jokes would arise, she would say she wasn’t sleeping with him as a “joke”. And he said she never does anyway. So I was like well, that’s the only way to get pregnant sooo… and when she was 8 weeks or so, she told me she had not slept with him since the baby had been conceived. So after today, it made me wonder if they “tried” for 2 years. Or just said “hey we’re trying..:” and almost 2 years later, it finally happened but didn’t before hand because of the lack of intercourse. That’s not really relevant I guess, it’s just something else that I wonder about. But back to the other story, she said she was living with this guy who was abusive. She got pregnant and had a still birth full term. I said “why isn’t the doctor monitoring you closer then? That doesn’t make sense. You need to be seen more”. (He’s the same one I had for our second daughter) and she just said “it’s okay, it will be okay”. I would be finding another doctor had that been me. He told her she gets two scans for the whole pregnancy, regular blood work..just normal pregnant stuff. When I was pregnant with our second, i had appointments with the ob office, and a mfm, and I had a bunch of ultrasounds, quite a few bloods draws, several exams. I was seen weekly after 16 weeks. But I just moved on. I asked her if he was buried somewhere and she said with her dad. And I asked if they put his name on the headstone too because her dad died back in 2002. She said no, she didn’t want it on there or to remember him like that. She also told me she buried the birth certificate with him and none of her family, not even her brother who she is super close with knew she was pregnant. Another thing that stood out to me was when the ob office called for her first appointment for this pregnancy. She was in my car and they asked if she had any losses. She said “a miscarriage”. She’s always told us five. Between that and a still birth. I feel like that should have been more elaborated? And when the day of her fathers death comes, she shares something on Facebook and whatnot. She never mentions anything about the baby she lost. Not one time. Never mentioned a birth date, due date, nothing. It’s such a serious thing to not believe and I hate that I’m second guessing her. It’s just the reputation she has for “white lies” makes me wonder.

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