When I hit puberty it took 6 months to become a DD. In a year I was wearing H cups. The whole time my mom refused to acknowledge I was growing, constantly trying to make me stuff my tits into C cups until I finally got sized at Victoria’s Secret and the lady told me i had to shop at a special store or online. I can fit in a medium t shirt but I don’t like to because it feels too revealing. My weight fluctuates a bit so I started buying pants a little loose, then a little looser. And my mom still refuses to acknowledge I’m not 12 anymore. Her nickname for me was “skinny-minny” and I guess she has it stuck in her head that I’m still a size S/XS so all of my clothes are either way too tight and pinch-y or super loose.

The only time I’ve shopped my size was homecoming this year because I’ve always worn my sisters old dresses. She always removed size tags because of sensory issues and I didn’t really look too into it because they fit (except the bust on some). And it was a devastating to try on a size six and realize it fit. My mom tried to make me try on smaller ones, and sometimes the chest was too tight so I had to go up to an 8.

The whole time I was looking through the 6s I kept thinking “this is too small. I’m too fat for this. I’ll never be able to squeeze into this.” Same with when I’m doing laundry. Every thing looks so tiny and I feel so huge. The tag on my favorite skirt that I always feel too fat for is hidden in the seam and while folding laundry I saw that it’s an XXS. It was a present from my mom, of course. And I’m starting to wonder if the whole reason I have body issues is because my mom constantly tried to stuff me into tiny clothes because “it should fit” so everything feels too small because I’ll never fit in clothes that “should fit.”